Pow! Zap! Smack!
With such simple exclamations, comic books sail effortlessly from one rough-and-tumble action sequence to the next. High jinks, capers and crusades keep the stories going. Thoughts, feelings and families are incidental – or at best, dimly motivational, having first nudged our superhero into his ass-kicking quest.
Comic books can get away with this frenetic brand of storytelling because comic books know what they are. If only “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” could say the same. Like its 14-year-old protagonists, this movie is still searching for identity.
In the meantime, it poses as a coming-of-age picture, religious review, cartoon adventure, sobering drama and stunt spectacular. Such ambitions swamp “Altar Boys,” sinking its potential to the bland depths of mediocrity.
Emile Hirsch stars as Francis Doyle, a Catholic schoolboy attracted to danger. Through fantasy and association, he indirectly sates his rebellious desires – sketching and dreaming of vengeful cartoon monsters, serving as sidekick to a hell-raiser (Kieran Culkin), and courting a girl who recently attempted suicide (Jena Malone). As the story unfolds, these characters’ motivations remain untouched. What drives these teens to such outrageous lengths? Why is it more important to monitor their schemes than to peer into their home lives?
The boys’ supposed foil is Sister Assumpta, a one-legged nun played by Jodie Foster. Creaking about the classroom on her prosthetic limb, Sister Assumpta is self-righteous and embattled. Attempting to control the troublemakers, led by Tom Sullivan (Culkin), she embarrasses Sullivan’s family, shortens a field trip and browbeats some of the boys. And for all of her failings, she appears more human, sympathetic and vulnerable.
Nonetheless, in the comic book universe of Doyle’s imagination, Sister Assumpta is depicted as Nunzilla, an inhuman holy roller seeking annihilation astride a motorcycle. The teens fight as their alter egos: Brakken, Muscles/Skeleton Boy, Ass Kicker and Major Screw. Doyle’s girlfriend appears as the land’s leggy, long lost princess, entreating the superheroes’ help in recapturing a magical pearl.
This energetic and graphically violent animation is a high-point in the movie, but it raises more questions than it answers: Why is Sister Assumpta cast as the villain when shadowy, dysfunctional families seem more to blame for the teens’ woes? ¬†Why are the superheroes so staunchly loyal when their real-life relationships are quite troubled?¬†In true comic book fashion, this animation neglects life’s ambiguities in favor of uncomplicated evil and pure love. It might echo Doyle’s boyish, escapist desires, but it does not reveal anything new about the background or psychology of the actual characters.
The film is mitigated by the strong performances of its principal actors. Hirsch, in his first leap to the silver screen from the world of made-for-TV movies, turns in a nuanced, appealing performance. Malone handles an underwritten role with commendable skill. Culkin’s character leaves something to be desired; whether this is due to a lackluster performance or to inadequate screen time is difficult to determine.
The film’s culmination is unsurprising yet unsatisfying. A senseless death is treated to choked-up poetry and resurrection in the world of comic books. Hazy family problems continue to hover with little regard.
Like a comic book, “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” is propelled by action. But its ambition to portray teenage angst, as well as its panoply of myriad genres, cannot be sustained by such a device. For these subjects, more character development is needed. And unlike a comic book, no amount of exposition, onomatopoetic or otherwise, can compensate for it.
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys – B-
