Rosenblum: If only the end came before the fall

Jonah Rosenblum

Very few people would call me a football genius, but ladies and gentlemen, I have figured out a way to save Northwestern’s season. Did you know that with one small change, the Wildcats would be 3-0 right now with a perfect Big Ten record?

It’s simple. All we need to do is reduce the length of NCAA football games to 30 minutes.

This policy idea comes mainly from the fact that I’m a great humanitarian. I’m the type of guy who loves watching the puppies at adoption shelters and thinking about adopting them, before leaving empty-handed. I am almost always compelled to give money to the homeless and to telemarketers. And in this great humanitarian tradition, I am submitting my formal request to the NCAA to shrink football games to half an hour long.

After watching Saturday’s 42-24 Michigan victory over Northwestern, I am convinced that football games are simply too long. Think about how happy everyone would have been if Saturday’s game ended at halftime. A 24-14 victory for the home team. Everyone files out of the stadium at 7:30, heads to Joy Yee’s for a lovely Pan-Asian dinner and celebrates the victory with a rousing night of intellectual discussion at the Keg.

It makes sense if you think about it. Considering the shrinking American attention span, it’s unrealistic to expect people to sit around for an entire match. We see fans leave games early all the time. Perhaps cutting games in half would keep fans in their seats. And consider the awkwardness of the break between the first and second quarters. With no quarter-time show to entertain the masses, NU always trots out some random team to discuss its players’ achievements in front of an audience that claps politely but never listens. Instead, under Commissioner Rosenblum, we’ll put the halftime show in between the first and second quarter, and after the second quarter, we all run home.

Three hours of football is just painful. The home games are particularly awful. Poor NU fans have to stand nearly the entire game, and hours upon hours of standing isn’t good for anyone. Just ask my orthopedist. Especially when the weather dips into the 30s, it’s simply inhumane to ask people to stand outside that long. I remember when I was an exuberant freshman, standing in an empty student section in my Tyrell Sutton jersey and gym shorts on a cold November day at Ryan Field. Never mind my decision to wear gym shorts in November – why did that game have to last three hours?

And don’t forget that cute little Cats claw and growl that NU fans do for every single defensive play. Let’s be honest, folks, all that yelling gets darn tiring. And you can only guess how raising my arm for hours at a time would affect my otherwise impeccable basketball shooting form. Imagine the poor sports broadcasters, having to think of interesting remarks that will carry them through a three-hour broadcast.

Yes, everyone would win if we cut the game time in half. Especially the Cats.

Sports editor Jonah Rosenblum is a Medill senior. He can be reached at [email protected]