Firing Squad: CAESAR registration: an unbeatable game

Tom Meyer

It has become irrevocably clear to me now that registration is almost certainly the single worst thing to happen to this University since that time Morty went to Florida for a weekend.

You see, every quarter I begin with an idealist’s mind, eyes swimming with the promise of a new tomorrow. I convince myself that this quarter will be different. I assemble a schedule flush with classes I have an interest in and that fit my graduation requirements. I find only the most glowing CTECs and devise intricate schemes to ensure I never have to wake before noon or go to class on Fridays.

Quickly and tragically, these best laid plans of CAESAR and men fall by the wayside. I throw out my dreams of sleep and three-day weekends with a pang of grief, but I soldier on. As class after class fills up weeks before my registration time, I find myself pitifully revoking my prayers for those rare classes in the “five and above” category of CTECs. I begin to hate myself as I force my hand to click “add to cart” on classes with anemic CTECs hovering in the twos.

Finally, lips trembling and hands shaking, I find myself reduced to searching for any class – no matter how painful – that will check a box on my graduation list.

Why, I ask, has my Registrar’s Office forsaken me? I pitifully discard my last semblance of self-respect and click enroll. And I resist the urge to download the University of Illinois transfer application.

– Tom Meyer

Daily Northwestern Reporter