Today I found out that my apartment is not set up for high-definition television. I almost cried. Not because I will have to settle for regular versions of The Colbert Report. Rather, it is because of the lack of access to the greatest technological achievement in the history of sports-watching since the invention of the television itself.
For those of you who didn’t know the NHL season started or is back from the lockout, hockey might have saved itself with the advent of HDTV. Now you can actually see the puck, and bone-crushing hits are that much more bone-crushing.
Not to mention that when Sarah Palin was recently booed at a Flyers-Rangers game, (Seriously, Palin-handlers? Philly? Really?) it was possible to see the sound guy cranking up the music to drown them out from the reflection off the ice.
High-definition has now made golf a wonder to watch not just for the scenery, but for finding balls Phil Mickelson shanks into the rough in a matter of seconds.
But it isn’t just the more obscure sports that have received a boost from the new technology.
In baseball, the viewer can identify strikes, sliders and changeups based on the rotation of the seams. The increased contrast makes it easier to see missed tags when Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez steals bases.
Can you remember when you were forced to watch regular-definition football? I’m talking about the days before you could see Pacman Jones’ rap sheet tattooed on his arms when he returns kicks.
If your memory is longer than two weeks and you follow Northwestern’s pigskin team, then you saw the tragedy on ESPN Classic. And I don’t mean C.J.’s first-half blunders against the Hawkeyes.
Yes, the Wildcats won, but we collectively lost.
The dopes at Classic went back to the past and left us not just without HD, but without that helpful first-down line.
That broadcast deprived Cats’ fans of seeing one of the best hits of the season, Brad Phillips on Shonn Greene, in its true magnificence.
There should be a law against broadcasts like that.
Even though NU was beaten early by Michigan State, at least the players weren’t blurry blobs on a green tarp.
But as much as I hate the prospect of having to watch someone else’s TV to see the filth on Manny Ramirez’s dreadlocks, at least I was able to have seen it in the first place.
So, my friends, instead of worrying about health care or the economy this election, find out which candidate supports putting HD and HDTV’s in every household in America. That’s what I call patriotism.
