So you would like to make an omelet …(Jim Wagner column)

The telephone rings. A bustle of cotton panties, feathered hair.They answer.

“Good morning, Angels.”

“Good morning, Charlie.”

“I have a new assignment for you.”

“What is it, Charlie?”

“I’m sending you into the desert. I hear that Laurel Canyon isfull of famous stars …”



The telephone rings. He answers.

“They have us, Charlie. They’ve taken us hostage. We don’t knowwhat they want. We only wanted to help them, Charlie.”

He hangs up.



The telephone rings. He answers.

“We want to come home, Charlie.”

“I’m sorry, Angels. All of our armies are here to stay.”

“They want to kill us, Charlie.”

He hangs up.



The telephone rings. He answers.

“How does paranoia become awareness, Charlie?”

“Have you ever seen the coyote in the desert?”

His head prowls back and forth.

“Watching, tuned in, completely aware. Christ on the cross, thecoyote in the desert — it’s the same thing, Angels. The coyote isbeautiful. You learn from the coyote just like you can learn from achild.”

“Yes, Charlie.”

“A baby is born into this world in a state of fear. Totalparanoia and awareness. He sees the world with eyes not used yet.As he grows up, his parents tell him, when they should be lettinghim tell them. Let the children lead you.”

“Thank you, Charlie.”

He hangs up.



The telephone rings. He answers.

“Give them what they want, Charlie.”

“No, Angels.”

“They want to kill us, Charlie.”

“No, Angels.”

“But –“

“WE

DO NOT

NEGOTIATE

WITH TERRORISTS!”

He hangs up.



The telephone rings. He answers.

“We don’t want to die, Charlie.”

“Pray with me, Angels.”

“Yes, Charlie.”

“Now I lay me down to sleep.”

“Now I lay me down to sleep.”

“I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”

“I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”

“And if you should drop dead tonight, then they won’t have toask me twice.”

They cry.

He hangs up.



The telephone does not ring. He does not answer.

“Good night, Angels.”



The Moral of the Story:

Heads.

Will.

Roll.

Are you ready for the Final Solution?

Jim Wagner is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at

[email protected].