Check your head — please

Rachel Bertsche

When I was in middle school, a girl in the eighth grade stood up at a schoolwide assembly and stated, for grades seven to 12 to hear, that she wanted to discuss the discrepancy in the cunnilingus-to-fellatio ratio. That shocking moment has stuck with me through the years for a plethora of reasons. First of all, until that day, I didn’t know what the words “cunnilingus” or “fellatio” meant. Secondly, the term “cunnilingus-to-fellatio ratio” is just so well stated that I still can’t believe it was coined by an eighth grader. Finally, it’s not every day you hear a middle schooler complaining about such a statistic, much less in front of an entire school. Now I wonder if Anna, the wise-beyond-her-years eighth grader, knew that she was right. There is a discrepancy in the cunnilingus-to-fellatio ratio, and women are getting the short end of the stick.

Overall, I think girls probably perform oral sex more often than guys do. I’m not sure why this is the case. All I know is that I don’t buy the “it’s smelly and gross down there” excuse. ‘Cause guys, let’s be serious, it’s not like yours taste like chocolate.

I understand that some girls don’t mind — and some even enjoy — giving blow jobs. I’m also told (although this may be a blatant lie) that some boys actually like performing oral sex on a girl. But overall, I think women who dislike giving head still find their own heads moving downward. I don’t think the same is generally true for guys. If they don’t like it, they often just don’t do it.

One theory as to the cause of this discrepancy is simply that guys have an alternative. Many girls love being fingered and can orgasm from it just as easily as from oral sex. On the other hand, as has been previously determined, most guys feel that hand jobs are a no-no (see my Jan. 8 column for reasons). So if a guy hates getting jerked off, and a couple is not yet sleeping together, she might feel she has no way to pleasure him other than oral sex. However, when a man is in pursuit of giving her some pleasure, he can still rely on his hands to do the dirty work.

Another theory is that girls aren’t as familiar with their sexual organs as are guys, and thus they are less comfortable having someone poking his head around down there. As one friend told me, “the penis is easy to maneuver. It’s all right in front of you. Girls, on the other hand, don’t even know themselves that well. It’s hard for a guy to navigate down there, so he’s probably scared to risk screwing up.” If a girl can’t find her way when she is giving a blow job, a guy can offer assistance. But if a guy gets lost, he’s on his own.

I bet Anna, on that day that she stood up to the microphone, was disappointed that the only response to her bold statement was laughter and awe. Today, I applaud her and her cunnilingus-to-fellatio ratio. If only she knew that ten years later I am still pondering her wise words.