In this episode, Opinion Editor Alexia Sextou, Assistant Opinion Editor Ivy Frater and Opinion Columnist James Frazier-Wilson — who writes The Daily Northwestern’s first advice column — dive headfirst into the chaos and charms of Dillo Day, and the best people to go to for advice.
MAX TURETZKY: My hot take is that on average, UChicago parties are better than Northwestern parties, despite their reputations.
ASHLEY WEI: My hot take is that UMe Tea is the best boba in Evanston.
LUCAS KUBOVCHIK: My hot take is that people should stop getting you really excited about a piece of information and then refusing to tell you that piece of information.
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ALEXIA SEXTOU: You just heard hot takes from Assistant City Editor Max Turetzky, Polling Editor Ashley Wei and Illustrations Editor Lucas Kubovchik. From The Daily Northwestern, I’m Alexia Sextou.
IVY FRATER: And I’m Ivy Frater.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: And this is “Who Asked You?”, a podcast capturing opinions on the issues that matter to us and to you. And today, we are joined by…
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: James Frazier-Wilson.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Who writes, actually, The Daily’s first ever advice column, which is really exciting. We were very happy to introduce that to the Opinion Desk. I think it’s one of my favorite columns, if I may say. And James, you have written about various things — including becoming friends with people that are cooler than you, the idea of graduating early and your latest column, which is about revealing your secret relationship at Dillo, which is really exciting. Can you tell me if you have a favorite one or what the experience has been, just writing these of those columns and hearing what the Northwestern community has to say?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Yeah, so far, I guess my favorite one has been the initial one I wrote about making friends with people who aren’t really in your social circle, or you kind of look up to, because that’s something that I think a lot of people can relate to, and the prompts that the anonymous person sent in was so meaningfully written and just like genuine in a way that I think is really rare to see, and that was really refreshing to have for my first column that wasn’t just me asking myself, “How do I write this thing?” So that was a really great way to get initiated into this process. And I’ve really enjoyed it so far every week. I was really nervous the first week, but after that, it’s just been so much fun to just show up. And write my little, my little piece. And it’s always so fun to see, like, what people send in, even though some of them, I suspect, maybe aren’t real people.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: What do you mean? What makes you say that?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Well, they send things that are kind of crass, so I just try to avoid those, but that’s part of the job, I feel like. That’s, I think that’s probably about, like, 30% of the fun of it is just having this form that people could said whatever into.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I definitely want to ask about how you kind of came to the idea of writing an advice column that was completely your idea, and we, of course, went on board with it. We loved it. And just what prompted you to say, “I want to write an advice column?”
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Well, mostly it was just the fact that there wasn’t someone else that did something like that here. And it was something I guess I’d always kind of been aware about in the general media landscape. I read The New York Times a lot and they’ve got “The Ethicist,” which I’m a fan of.
I think I tend to be attracted to things like where there’s multiple situations, where there’s multiple different ways to view a situation. I know a lot of journalism — it’s kind of our job to explain to people, this is what happened, and this is kind of, for better or for worse, how you should view it because this is how it happened. But I like being able to write in a more nuanced way about situations that maybe aren’t immediately obvious or deal more with like, the way a specific person feels or desires to approach something. I think that that’s really interesting. And I just, I think that we have a lot of fantastic columns at The Daily, but it didn’t seem to me like there was something that filled that space, so it just felt like a natural step for me.
IVY FRATER: What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever given or you’ve ever received?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Oh, my God. Like, in general? Well, I definitely wouldn’t be something I gave. I don’t think that’s possible. Yeah.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: We remain humble.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON One of my teachers in high school told me that people don’t think about you as much as you think about yourself, you know. Like no one is thinking about you as much as you think about yourself in any circumstance. Even if it’s someone who you think doesn’t like you, even if it’s someone you think really does like you, the truth of the matter is that, especially, I think, in our generation, people tend to be very, very inwardly focused, almost to a point of self-obsession. And I think it really helps to just have that reminder that, while you are an important person in other people’s lives and you have important relationships, not everything is just about your interior and how you feel. And if you are scared of doing something because you worry that people will react to it strangely or will judge you. Maybe they will, but it won’t last very long. They’re gonna forget about it in two seconds. And you’ll be the only person who’s still lingering on that. So I think, you know, maybe it could be kind of a depressing piece of advice, but for me, it was motivational.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I don’t think it’s depressing at all. I think the concept of being perceived is so weird to me. I’m a huge overthinker, and so there are so many social interactions that I just think back on, and I say, “that went really bad.” I always say to my friends, “just so you know, I’m terrible at first impressions. It’s gonna take a while, like, if I’m meeting your parents or if I’m meeting your friends from home, it’s gonna take a while.” I’m terrible. One time, I met someone, and they go, “Hi, I’m… my name’s Julia” or whatever. I don’t remember. And I go, “Great.” And we were shaking hands for a really painfully long six seconds until I realized that I also have to introduce myself and say my name. But it was actually not that serious and like nobody remembered that.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: It was all downhill from there?
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Oh, no, it was actually not. I think that you were right that it’s sometimes not that deep. It’s whatever, you know? So it’s OK to just fumble sometimes, especially when you’re in, like, weird, awkward situations. I think it’s not that deep.
Do you have someone that you go to advice for often? I mean, hopefully a lot of The Daily readers come to you and they want to ask something, but do you go to someone when you really seek out advice?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Yeah, I would say definitely my dad, because he’s just like, the most open-hearted person I know in terms of understanding different perspectives. And coming up with his own solution. And he just has like this level of grace and empathy that I really aspire to. So I think hearing him provide me perspective on a situation. It’s almost always something I have not thought of, but then when he says it, it kind of, is this massive wave of understanding that comes over me where I just think to myself, “oh, why didn’t I think of that? That’s so almost embarrassing. Like, that is exactly what I should have done, or that makes so much sense to me.” And yeah, he’s just been a very influential figure in my life in terms of what I believe in and how I approach the world.
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ALEXIA SEXTOU: I want to know a little bit more about revealing your secret relationship at Dillo (Day). Tell me more. I feel like a lot of people are worrying about this, including those not in relationships, but in the infamous situationships. What should we do, James? Please tell us. Dillo is imminent, and we have to know what to do.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Well, last year, I found myself in sort of a similar situation. And I guess to circle back to my piece of advice for before, I just went for it. I was like, OK, everybody’s gonna find out eventually. So might as well just wear your heart on your sleeve and be authentic is my thought. I’m not a situationship person. I think those are foul. I think that is about the cruelest invention of society in the last 20 years. I don’t understand how people find themselves in them so perpetually because I’ve never once heard someone say, “Oh, I really like being in this situationship” before, so that’s a new one for me. But clearly, it is something that is very prevalent. And I guess my thought is just, you have these next couple days, you gotta think, do I want to lock in on this person? Do I not want to lock in on this person? Do I want to be seen in public with this person? is probably a good place to start on knowing if you want to lock in on them or not. And then you have your answer right there.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Well, maybe if you don’t want to be seen in public with them, that’s a little bit of a problem. I’m just saying.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Yeah, maybe then you don’t want to continue with that. But sometimes you get people that say, but it’s like OK in certain contexts. If we’re at a party or something, it’s fine. I’m like, okay, how is that better? You know, public is public, but I don’t know. That’s just my little two cents.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: What do you think, Ivy?
IVY FRATER: I think, I mean, the year’s almost over. So you might as well just go for it. I mean, if it goes wrong, you won’t see them for like three or four months.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Wait, that’s such a good point.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Yes, but also then you’re gonna come back after the summer and if you guys are not talking anymore, then it’s a whole thing.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: But you can, it can be a whole thing with respect. You know, you can, you can just like give like a little wave in the hallway I guess.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Oh, that’s. never really like that for me.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: She doesn’t like that one. I get that. I think that generally it’s better to leave things either open or closed. I’m not somebody where I’m like, “Oh, look, let’s text the whole summer and then awkwardly drift apart, and say hi slightly in the hallway.” I think that’s kind of horrible. But I also understand that sometimes people just grow apart and that needs to happen. But I think either just communicating in a fairly clear way, like, “Oh, I either would like to keep seeing you or I would not.” And I tend to believe that the person who’s most ardent about their feelings is usually the person that wins in the end in the long run. Even if they end up getting hurt in the moment, they’ll never have that issue of having to internalize everything and not be able to express their honest emotions, and I think that’s so important.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Well, that’s really healthy advice. I am curious, though, how do things change when we’re talking about social media? What do we think of soft launches, as they call it? Does that fly? Does it not? I don’t know. What do you guys think?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Ivy, you want to go first?
IVY FRATER: I think I’m a fan of a soft launch.
ALEXIS SEXTOU: Really?
IVY FRATER: I like it.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I’m so sorry. Really? The reason why I said it like this is — OK, well, I’ll go after you, please. I’m sorry.
IVY FRATER: I think it’s, like, a little nonchalant, but I was talking, me and my friends were talking about, like, a couple weeks ago, how early is too early to soft launch someone?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Like from dating or meeting each other?
IVY FRATER: Like, dating.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Like a few weeks, I don’t know, like, three weeks.
IVY FRATER: Yeah, I see, like, a month.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: OK.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: OK, I…
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Yeah, she has some strong feelings about…
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I don’t, I’m sorry. I’m making some faces right now to all of you listening because I am actually against the soft launch for myself. Which is to say, I really love it when my friends post their partners. I think that’s great. And I also love seeing other people, like, as couples. So for instance, one of the things I’m most excited about for things like Dillo, or for things like Halloween, is all the couple costumes. That’s really exciting. So, I love consuming that content. I, on the other hand, don’t really like participating in it. I’m an avid no-shower when it comes to my personal relationships on my social media. That might be a bit of a hot take, but.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: That’s interesting.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Is it? I don’t know. I don’t think that’s crazy, but I think there’s something really chic about nobody knowing if you’re dating anyone, and then you just, 10 years down the line, just post a really, really discreet photo of you with an engagement ring. I think that’s really chic. It’s very mysterious.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Wait, I’m kind of getting convinced a bit. I don’t know. I like a soft launch too, because I’m narcissistic. So, I like the attention of people being like, “Oh, who’s this?” And I get to send cute photos and be like, “Oh, and I don’t know.” But like, that’s kind of fun for me. But I also think that probably is more chic. I mean, it kind of ties back to that whole “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing?” thing.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: The Vogue article?
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I think it absolutely is.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: I hear about that so often. I’ve heard from a lot of my female friends that, like, “Oh, like, it’s so embarrassing to have your identity tied to a man.” Like it’s not — You know what I mean? It’s not embarrassing to date someone, but it’s just that it’s… No one wants to see you post with your boyfriend or girlfriend 24/7. It just makes people jealous and annoyed.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I don’t know. I like seeing those couples. I just wouldn’t do it because I believe in evil eye, and I think that the minute that I post someone, yes, it’s a big part of Greek culture, and I think that if you start posting or, like, showing off things that you have, then the universe is gonna do something and it’s gonna take it away from me, and I hate to do it.
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: Wait, I…
ALEXIA SEXTOU: I’m already hinting at too much.
But yeah, I’m definitely, I’m definitely pro the soft launches. I like seeing them. I think people have been getting really creative with them, though.
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ALEXIA SEXTOU: And with that, from The Daily Northwestern, I’m Alexia Sextou.
IVY FRATER: I’m Ivy Frater
JAMES FRAZIER-WILSON: I’m James Frazier-Wilson.
ALEXIA SEXTOU: Thank you for listening to “Who Asked You?” This episode was written by Alexia Sextou, Ivy Frater and James Frazier-Wilson. It was produced by Wallis Rogin.
The audio editor is Wallis Rogin. The multimedia managing editors are Ruby Dowling, Isabella Jacob and Matt Wasilewski. The editor-in-chief is Anavi Prakash.
