Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern

Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern

Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern


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The Steam Press: The Final Countdown

Greetings, culture lovers!

As the quarter system continues to test our mental fortitude and capacity for caffeine, finals loom like a giant black hole, slowly sucking us toward its gaping vortex. Once again using the power of literature to predict the future, The Steam Press flips through “Cold Comfort Farm” by Stella Gibbons to gain insight for finals week.

Monday

“Once … when you were a little girl … you had seen something nasty in the woodshed.”

In the midst of taking the test, you will experience a traumatic flashback. You will freeze up as you recall an unfortunate middle school haircut, that calc final you bombed or any other of the many embarrassing moments that have led up to this point.

Tuesday

“The trouble about Mr. Mybug was that ordinary objects, which are not usually associated with sex even by our best minds, did suggest sex to Mr. Mybug.”

Interpersonal problems will influence your test-taking skills on Tuesday. Get your mind out of the gutter and stop stressing about your hook-up buddy to concentrate on the task at hand.

Wednesday

“Flora was desperately sleepy: she felt as though she were at one of Eugene O’Neill’s plays; the kind that go on for hours and hours and hours.”

Poor choices Tuesday night will come back to haunt you Wednesday morning as you struggle to stay awake in the face of endless multiple-choice questions.

Thursday

“But I am sure you could do it. Or you might do journalism. Or book-keeping. Or bee-keeping.”

As the week stretches on, you begin to question your life choices. Is it too late to drop out and become a basket weaver? Do I really need a degree? What is learning, anyway?

Friday

“From the stubborn interwoven strata of his subconscious, thought seeped up into his dim conscious.”

By the time the end of the week finally arrives, your brain will have melted into mush. You will no longer be able to stand upright, speak in coherent sentences or hold a pencil.

Email: [email protected]
Twitter: 
@badbroderick

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Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881
The Steam Press: The Final Countdown