While dumpster diving outside Norris the other day, I discovered a top-secret memo discussing the new meal plans for next quarter. They are eliminating all the current plans and creating a mandatory “Wildcat Colon” plan. The only dining location will be the SodexhoUSA offices in the basement of Sargent Hall. Students will line up, lie down on the ground, and open their mouths. Then a SodexhoUSA officer will poop one by one into everyone’s mouths.
And right as he missed and dropped a big one on my forehead, I awoke in a cold sweat from my morbid and perverse dreams.
SodexhoUSA is Northwestern’s “food” provider. This is a company that vocally supports Neo-Nazis, abortion clinic bombings and child pornography.
Those statements have no basis in reality, but they are no more ridiculous than this little sentence I found on the NU dining service web page: “Northwestern University Dining Services offers healthy, wholesome, hassle-free meals right on campus.” Healthy? Wholesome? Sounds like SodexhoUSA comes from the Ronald Reagan “ketchup is a vegetable” school of dining policy. Hassle-free? Where else do you have to get into two lines to buy a sub? And let’s not forget about SodexhoUSA’s meal contract creators: Their scheming is somewhat akin to a former record company executive with some side training from his Royal Unholy Majesty Satan.
SodexhoUSA is a subsidiary of the Sodexho Alliance, a giant octopus with a head in France and tentacles in more than seventy countries.
A trip to www.sodexho.com begins with a pop-up advertising, “A more human approach to corrections.” A click leads you to an electric blue and neon green page touting the merits of prisons brimming with Sodexho food, employment training, hygiene and medical care. These prisons sound pretty sweet. And the food couldn’t be any worse than it is here. If the cops actually patrolled Evanston, I’d go commit a crime in hopes of being sent to one of these totally awesome prisons. Too bad they have no prisons in the USA, on account of their new policy of not operating prisons in death penalty countries. That’s ironic, since their food is slowly killing me.
My favorite part of the Web site is the prisons FAQ, where “Chile” is misspelled “Chili”. They must really have food service on the brain! All I know is that Norris burritos suck. Maybe it’s because they aren’t using enough Chile.
Seeking answers, I hopped to www. sodexhousa.com. I attempted to find some real information, but my efforts were thwarted by photos of children, senior citizens and minorities. There were no old white men in sight. What I did find was color composition information for the shades in the SodexhoUSA logo.
NU could cut out the middle man and run things themselves. Or they could contract to local businesses, providing better food and keeping the money in the community. Better yet, we could just spend our meal plan money at local restaurants. Everyone would win, except SodexhoUSA.
Maybe something fishy is going on. It must be one of those complicated administrative decisions involving things such as money, treachery and oral sex.
