‘This campus used to be gorgeous.”

That’s what tour guides will be saying in the future, as they guide prospective students along a tour of the architectural paradise that is Northwestern. “Fitting,” they’ll say, “that The Rock is the symbol of this university.”

Forget the future; they should be saying it now. When I was a wee freshman many a year ago, I remember how beautiful NU looked. I’ll never forget springtime – anywhere with grass and sunshine, there were students. Reading, playing, streaking.

And then came the machines.

They started up north with Kemper Hall. Then came projects outside Annenberg Hall and at Sports Pavilion and Aquatics Center, awarding that section of campus eyesore status. Then an improved business building. Then the machines spilt forces down south, with one group at Kresge Centennial Hall and another outside Louis Hall to put up the new McCormick Tribune Center.

At the time, we weren’t suspicious. Sure, a little land was being taken away, but we could afford the space. Then the machines betrayed us with Slivka Residence Hall turning the great Fraternity Quad into a slab of concrete land. Then the Lagoon talk began.

Four years. That’s how long this transformation has taken. And there’s more planned. Buildings that aren’t scheduled to be completed until 2004 and beyond.

In fact, by 2008, the ultimate goal will be the first-ever green-free campus. Just one gigantic building.

I’m sorry, freshmen. I’m really sorry, future students. I’m worried for you guys. Hey, if it’s any consolation, at least the weather here is awful. It might be nice to attend an indoor university.

Truth be told, these buildings are new and exciting and will benefit various programs at this university. Truth also be told, there are going to be several other programs vying for new and exciting buildings after this. And since there’s “very little buildable space left on the main campus,” according to University President Henry Bienen, to open up space, some creative plans will have to be concocted – like filling the Lagoon.

But why stop there when there’s so much great mingling area to be chopped up? How about the land outside Deering Library? Or Long Field up north? What about behind Parkes Hall?

Hey, how about the strip of land between 1835 Hinman and Jones Residential College? I bet they could fit some kind of bookstore or office right there.

And they will. When you think about it, they must want this to be a commuter college. That’s why they put new dorms in the worst locations and design them to house a small number of people. That’s why anywhere that you think would be a nice spot to put a blanket down and read or toss a frisbee is getting dug up.

I mean, why else would they be so hell bent on making this place look so ugly?

I say, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Get them to grab some brick and mortar and build an on-campus grocery store. Or how about a video store? A food court with real restaurant chains?

Can you hear the laughter? Why waste money building something that the students want? Why cater to their wants? Those are amenities. This university is about education, not fun. You’re here to learn, son.

Yeah, learn what schools you can transfer to.