This, dear readers, is the final Daily of Winter Quarter, and my last column. As such, I feel compelled to pass along all the little pearls of wisdom that I couldn’t find space for in earlier columns.

Before I fall into utter ridiculousness, though, I do want to pass along one serious piece of advice: Apply to be a Daily columnist. It’s as glamorous as you’ve imagined, and the celebrity you achieve on this campus will blow you away. OK, that was a lie, but it is a lot of fun, and if a borderline-illiterate Techie can string together nine semi-coherent columns in a quarter, anybody can.

Now on to the ridiculousness. The following are some thoughts that have crossed my mind during the past quarter that I just couldn’t find a way to work into a column. Maybe, if you apply to be a columnist next quarter, you can:

_Ѣ Lagoon supporters, take heart. The same administration that took away tailgates three years ago and now wonders what happened to the sense of community on campus will probably be baffled by the lack of open water on campus three years from now.

_Ѣ Underage women, there is no better way to identify yourself as such than to wear a tank top and black pants and drink a Long Island Ice Tea at an Evanston bar. Just trust me on this one.

_Ѣ The top five additions to NU in my four years here are, in order of increasing importance: CAESAR, the JumboTron at Ryan Field, Century Theatres on Maple Ave., a winning football program and the emergence of the 1800 Club in the ashes of My Bar. These are not open for debate.

_Ѣ Every week I find myself ready to declare “24” the best new TV show in years. Then it ends and I just get pissed off that it’s such a tease. Am I alone on this one?

_Ѣ OK, I give up, besides attempting to discover the most annoying sounds in the world every day at 8 a.m. right outside my window. What in the hell are they doing in the Sargent Hall parking lot?

_Ѣ Tell me something: When you’re standing in line to get into the Mark II Lounge, does it ever cross your mind that you’re standing in line to get into the Deuce? Does this bother anyone else? When did the Deuce get cool? Do I write about bars way too much?

_Ѣ Bad movies. This could have been a whole column in itself, and probably deserves to be one someday. Is there a more perversely fun spectacle today than a really awful movie seen in the right mindset and state of intoxication? Try it sometime, seriously.

On a related note, when some Hollywood studio execs finished making a movie like “Bring It On,” “She’s All That” or “Starship Troopers” – all classic bad movies – do you think they look around at each other and say, “I think we’ve got a winner here”?

And I’m spent.

Was that random enough for you? Ignore most of what you have just read because it’s just the ranting of a jaded old man, but take my first piece of advice – apply to be a columnist. Where else can you subject an entire campus to the twisted inner workings of you mind?

Thanks for listening, gang, see you in line at the Deuce.