It is starting to feel real. I will be free in less than 100 days.
When I was taking graduation photos in my cap and purple gown, it suddenly hit me that my carefree, unemployed days, when my parents are still proud of me just for studying, will soon expire.
It feels strange to admit, but I have no clue — not even the slightest idea — where life will take me next. I keep trying to fool myself into thinking that the uncertainty sounds adventurous and fun. Sometimes it does. But most times, it doesn’t.
But nevertheless, I am proud of myself. Genuinely. For everything I’ve done in the last four years of my college life. I remember how conflicted I was at the beginning, debating between paths, asking myself over and over: journalism or Radio, Television and Film? And now, as an RTVF major, it’s funny to think that film — at least the traditional, heavy-production kind — is not something I’m planning to do for the next five years. In fact, it was the exhausting RTVF side quests, all-nighters, shoots and stress that slowly pushed me somewhere else.
I came to Northwestern University in Qatar full of ambition, convinced I would be the next Agnès Varda, that I would dedicate my entire life to telling visual stories. And I did make films. I poured myself into them. But I realized that there is enough space in my heart for other things too.
Freshman year, my question of the year was simple and terrifying: Did I make the right choice? And even now, knowing that I might not be doing films in the way I once imagined, I still think I ticked the right box.
It led me to some of the most creative people I know, to some of the most interesting projects I’ve ever worked on, alongside friends who shaped me more than they realize. While making documentaries, I learned about people and, surprisingly, about myself. I traveled to showcase my work and stood in rooms I never imagined I’d enter.
Yes, I missed sleep. And maybe I ruined my health with countless energy drinks. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and sometimes completely burnt out. But it was all worth it. The bumps along the ride taught me more than smooth roads ever could. They forced me to sit with discomfort, to question my direction, to grow.
I guess what I’m trying to say, after all this yapping, is that I’ve finally made peace with uncertainty. I’m open to where life takes me. I was scared in the beginning of college, just like I’m scared right now.
Maybe that feeling never really goes away. And maybe it’s irresponsible. But isn’t that what life is supposed to be? Figuring it out as you go. Finding joy even if you have no idea where you’ll be in five months.
Maybe uncertainty isn’t the enemy after all. Maybe it’s the point.
Not knowing what’s out there for you is scary, but somewhere in the back of my head Natasha Bedingfield is singing that “the rest is still unwritten.” I don’t know about you guys but I’m choosing to believe her.
Aizere Yessenkul is a NU-Q Communication senior and author of “Yes-sentials.” She can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.
