A breakdown of our favorite things from Oprah’s Favorite Things

Troy Closson and Alex Schwartz

2017 Holiday Guide

Listen — we love Oprah Winfrey as much as the next person. If she had a monopoly over the entire media industry, we’d probably be OK with it. With that said, we want to both honor our benevolent queen and poke some fun at the ridiculousness of holiday commercialism by reviewing Oprah’s 2017 Favorite Things List. From $70 pies to a toothbrush that tracks your brushing motions, there are some definite gems on this year’s list and some items the average Northwestern student may want to leave off their holiday gift list. We’ll try to break down items from both categories:

Troy: Mount Mansfield Organic Pure Vermont Maple Syrup ($32)

I’m just waiting for someone to bring this to 1835 Hinman dining hall and pretend they’re classy while eating dry French toast. Honestly though, pour this $30 syrup over anything and it turns into a five-star meal.

Alex: Creatista Plus ($599)

I dare someone to buy this almost-$600 espresso maker and milk frother and use it in their dorm room. I feel like this goes beyond violating the Evanston fire code and enters a whole new level of excess.

Troy: 23andMe DNA Test ($69)

Yes, Oprah literally put an ancestry test on her Favorite Things List. Enough said.

Alex: Smart Nora Snoring Solution ($299)

This egg-shaped device detects snoring and pumps air into a pillow insert to gently adjust the snorer’s head and put an end to the noise. Perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to make their roommate feel bad by telling them they snore — just trick out their pillow with this device and hope they don’t notice.

Troy: The Cheese Knife ($35)

Can you imagine: You’re at Cheesie’s getting ready to dive into your food. But wait. You pull this cheese knife out your jacket and cut your Tenderizer up into bite-size manageable little triangles before you eat, evoking jealousy among all your friends. Of course you can imagine it, and that’s why this is a MUST-have.

Alex: The Breville Perfect Press ($100)

Oprah says in the description of this sandwich press that she gives it to her guests as a party favor. Imagine making the crunchiest, most melty grilled cheese on the same machine that people who have been invited to Oprah’s parties use.

Troy: Gratitude Glass Jar ($45)

You can literally keep your emotions bottled up with this gratitude jar. Really though, it’s a nice concept: You write down something you’re grateful for every day, put it in the jar and open it up later. But I feel like NU students would progressively get more petty as the quarter went on — “It’s week 7 and I’m SO grateful for almost getting hit by a bike on the way to my midterm!”

Alex: Snurk Twin-Size Duvet Sets ($119)

These duvets and pillows are printed to make you look like a mermaid, princess, dinosaur and more while you sleep. Not even kidding: I need this. Let me have dreams again.

Troy: BakerStone Original Pizza Oven Box Kit ($150)

“Oh wow, Oprah put a pizza oven on her list! That’s so convenient! Guess that means I won’t be spending all my money at Blaze anymore!” … Oh wait, it’s $150. Well Blaze it is, then.

Alex: Bellocq Chai Gift Set ($79)

This set of two organic, Indian-inspired teas costs about as much as approximately 530 Burger King chicken nuggets. And yet, I would still pick the 8 ounces of dried leaves. I love tea.

Alex: Gourmia GSI180 Automatic Healthy Frozen Dessert Maker ($50)

You put frozen fruit into this machine and it magically turns it into sorbet. Incredible. Andy’s, eat your heart out.

Troy: Prepd Pack Lunchbox ($69)

For those days when you want to put your $5 lunch in a $69 bamboo lunchbox. Hard pass.

Alex: Pudus Classics Red Plaid Lumberjack Slipper Socks ($13 to $25 per pair)

Just looking at a picture of these thick, fuzzy socks makes me want to curl up in my T. rex-printed duvet with a cup of $79 chai and listen to Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast. Who do I talk to about becoming an Oprah Winfrey college brand ambassador?

Troy: Philips Sonicare Toothbrush ($215)

Oprah calls this “the toothbrush to have” — and it’s actually pretty interesting. It’s paired with an app to track your brushing and provide feedback, but if I spend $200-plus on a toothbrush, I better have the cleanest teeth in the world.

Alex: Centerville Signature Chicken Pie ($69)

At $69, this has to be the Canada Goose of chicken pot pies. Marie Callender is shaking.

Troy: The Magnolia Company Southern Magnolia Tree ($64)

When winter strikes in a few weeks, there won’t be an end in sight for a while. Put this plant by your bedroom window and pretend you’re not living in the sub-zero frigid darkness that is Evanston in January.

Troy Closson and Alex Schwartz are Medill sophomores. They can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected] respectively. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.