Lindsay MeckThe Daily Northwestern
Third time’s the charm – or at least that’s the truism Hollywood is banking on as the summer of the tri-quel’s unofficial opening day arrives on Thursday with “Spiderman 3.”
Following the Web-slinging superhero are third installments of “Pirates,” “Ocean’s,” “Bourne,” “Rush Hour” and “Shrek.” These franchise follow-ups suggest original movie ideas are not in style this season.
In honor of Jack Valenti, the film rating system creator who passed away last week, and in order to save you wasted cash from your unpaid summer internships, I offer my own MPAA system (Meck Provides Atrocity Advisement) on the upcoming movies. Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.
Both “Ocean’s Thirteen” and the “Bourne Ultimatum” receive a rating of “G” for Guys. Amid a box office line-up of computer-generated imagery, these two films instead rely on the spectacle of leading hunks: Clooney, Pitt, and Damon (twice represented) to attract audiences. However, halfway through a nonsensical plot featuring high-tech espionage and chase scenes in luxury sedans, one realizes: A) Sour Patch kids should come in grape, and B) These guys are practically senior citizens!
If you are looking for some real eye candy, check out Daniel Radcliffe from “Harry Potter,” who will be legal days after the July premiere of the fifth film of the series. But if you still want to watch old men in suits engage in shady business deals, skip this flick and head over to the Kellogg cafeteria.
“Spiderman 3” earns a PG for Probably Gonna rock. My spidey sense informs me that this most expensive film of all-time ($258 million) and longest of the trilogy (nearly two and half hours) ups the ante with three villains, an airborne battle and mysterious black goo. But don’t expect any huge plot developments. Director Sam Raimi has announced another Spiderman is in the works, so unfortunately whiney Mary Jane will probably survive this one.
“Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End” and “Shrek the Third” get a PG-13 for Pretty Gratuitous exploitation of a 13-minute idea. Bottom line: Unless Shrek plans to announce his Green Party candidacy or Jack Sparrow jumps the hetero ship and finally comes out of the closet, these films should not have been made. For film franchises based on a Disney theme park ride and a 32-page children’s book respectively, a third installment is simply unnecessary. Deleted scenes on the DVD actually show the producers counting their money. However, reports that Rolling Stones’ guitarist Keith Richards will step in as Sparrow’s father suggest some cinematic excitement, if a creamation is needed.
“Rush Hour 3” gets an R for Rentable. Put Mr. Chan and Mr. Tucker in your Netflix queue for a rainy mid-October day and go enjoy the warm weather. I’ll be in line for “Harry Potter.”
