Tom was only a senior in high school when he took his ownlife.

It was October. As his — and my — high school planned forhomecoming, he was preparing his college applications and showingoff his senior-picture proofs to teachers. But Tom had asecret.

Tom was gay.

In all the hoopla surrounding same-sex marriage and Wednesday’sNational Day of Silence, I can’t help but think of Tom, my silentreminder.

Not that I need a reminder lately. But the actions of theMassachusetts Supreme Court, the mayor of San Francisco andPresident Bush on same-sex marriage were pretty far away from me.Frankly I was unsure whether the country was prepared for thedebate. But then the issue hit home for me. It became aboutTom.

On March 3 I watched on CNN as Multnomah County, Ore., beganhanding out marriage licenses to same-sex couples. The countyincludes my hometown of Portland and is adjacent to my high school.The lines of people at the county courthouse reminded me of oneperson who was not there: Tom.

My mind wanders to Tom — whose name I’ve changed to respect hisdesire to keep his sexual orientation a secret — from time totime. It’s not a good memory; I saw Tom the day he took hislife.

It is so vivid I can even remember the golden sunlight in thehallway. I was walking to my locker and found him standing outsidethe nearby classroom, waiting for his teacher to show up. But thepart of the story etched in my brain is the terror on his face.

Off in my own world, I just walked by. I shook my head andthought, “Poor guy must have left his books in his locker.” Afterall, I was going to be late to French class. At my small school,everyone knew everyone, but I would not have called Tom a friend.He was the awkward kid who hung out with the school’s misfits.

That night he shot himself. I found out later, as people in theschool came to terms with his death, that Tom had told people hewas gay.

As I watched the smiles on the faces outside my hometowncourthouse, I found myself wishing Tom was there to replace themental picture that has haunted me. There are many causes to asuicide, and it certainly cannot just be pinned on a fear of sexualorientation. But I can’t help but think that things would bedifferent if he had not felt he needed to hide himself.

An Oregon judge ruled Tuesday that the state has to change itsmarriage laws to allow the same rights, but not marriage itself, tosame-sex couples. But that’s not enough for me.

In getting wrapped up on legality, we forget the humanity. It istoo late for Tom, but what about those who still go through hisexperience? Real acceptance and equality could help the freshmangirl down the hall from you or the quiet guy in your historyclass.

There are many arguments against equal rights for the lesbian,gay, bisexual and transgender community. The real issue, though, isa lack of acceptance.

But for me, it is about dignity and it is about Tom.

It will always be about Tom.