Feb. 14, or V-Day, is a very ambiguous holiday. For the majority of us, V-Day means Valentine’s Day, an affectionate, candy-coddling holiday that reinforces the benevolent foundations of love or masturbation. For my senile neighbor, James, V-Day represents Veterans Day, which actually occurs in November.

Each year, James steps onto his porch, salutes the flag and says without hesitation, “Now, today’s the day we celebrate VD!” And although senile (occasionally launching newspapers back at the paperboy and yelling “Grenade!”), James isn’t far from the truth. Because according to “Vagina Monologues” writer Eve Ensler, Feb. 14 is also International Vagina Day. So finally, here’s something we can all celebrate together.

Let’s face it, the penis is nothing special. I mean, it had a good 2000-year heyday, but now we’re entering a new age, and that is the age of the vagina. Men, I know you might be skeptical about this switch, but unless you want to end up giving birth out of your urethra, I suggest we all sit down and respect the vagina. It is, after all, the source of life and the only thing our football team has won since the Rose Bowl.

During a recent “Vagina Monologues” rehearsal, a cast member opened up her bit with the statement, “My vagina’s angry.” Well, in a way, I guess my vagina is angry, too (“vagina” used in the strictly metaphysical-performance studies-Zen-completely heterosexual sense of the word). It’s angry because the world we live in is not, as Ensler would say, “vagina friendly.” So here’s what we need to do.

Instead of the “Penis Game,” start playing the “Vagina Game.” This is where you find a crowded place and see which of your friends can yell the word “vagina” the loudest. When passersby stop in awe, explain that you’ve lost your dog, Vagina. “Have you seen my dog, Vagina?” you ask. “She’s small, furry and comes when you call her.”

Spread the love. Bring your children to see this show. If they feel awkward or confused, explain to them that “vagina” is just another word for “pussy.”

Buy a Chia Pet. I can’t really put my finger on why you should, but it just sounds like something vaguely appropriate. Plus, if you own a Chia Pet, you won’t have to own a dog named Vagina.

The point is, whether you are a male or were just born with a penis, go call your mother; she’ll want to hear everything I just said.

Communication junior and PLAY humor columnist Dave Holstein sends his columns home with pride. He can be reached at [email protected].