Everyone has their happy place, somewhere they can go at all hours of the day and just, you know, feel like they have a distinct purpose in life. For me, there was Kinko’s. And maybe The Apple Store. But today, let’s talk about Kinko’s.
I was in Kinko’s the other night, enjoying the freedom of a 3 a.m. copy run, when I was hit with the very curious impression that this is where society sheds its dead weight. Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth. Well, the really meek get to work in a copy store.
The trouble started when I brought my 100 double-sided pages to the cash register. After I had paid, I realized the night manager had charged me double. When I brought up that $40 seemed a bit much (considering I neither cut down the tree nor bleached the pulp), Ms. Nametag got feisty.
She broke out the calculator and, with large Crayola-inspired fingernails, did the math for me. The wrong math. Panicked that I was never going to see my $20 again, I scanned the room for other employees. Seeing only her 15-year-old stable boy, wearing a shiny blue apron and cooking nothing, I quickly explored other options.
I wanted to write the word dumb on a piece of paper, put it in the copy machine, hit “99” and say, “This is how dumb you are.” I didn’t for obvious financial reasons. How was I going to explain this? I wondered if they had an abacus.
“I too work at Kinko’s,” I said, surprised. “Also, I am a math major.” Wow. Intimidated by my wild lies, Ms. Nametag and I negotiated a refund. She turned on the computer, went cross-eyed and said, “I don’t know how to do this.”
Again, I turned to the stable boy who was still cooking nothing. I could tell his life would probably be one filled with coke binges and naked bong parties had he not chosen to don that crushing blue apron.
“I know how to work the computer,” I divulged. “I bet it’s just like the one at my old store.” This was wrong. I felt God taking away my unborn children.
The touchscreen was relatively simple. I hit the button for refund and gave myself the deserved amount. She handed me my $20 back and slammed her ass against the cash drawer, her head already bruised from thinking.
I left feeling great. I beat the system. Jesus would be proud.
Communication junior and PLAY humor columnist Dave Holstein shall inherit the Earth. He can be reached at [email protected].
