Last year sure was a big year for movies. But it was also a sucky one. Due to my amazingly consistent social life, I didn’t get out to the theater much. So here’s a list of the year’s worst movies, most of them judged solely by their Apple online trailers.
“Gigli.” OK, I actually saw this movie. The plot revolves around two mobsters who kidnap a retarded man who can rap. Then, the retarded man gets engaged to J.Lo and stars in “Paycheck.” Then, Matt Damon confiscates the retarded man’s Oscar and melts it into two large brass balls.
“Lord of the Rings.” Whoa there, Frodo. Only kidding. I really just wanted to get a death threat in Elvish. I have a friend who spent 24 hours straight watching all three extended versions back to back. Having wasted a day of his life, I now celebrate his birthday a day later.
“Ghostbusters III: Tokyo.” Man, this looks awful. What the hell was Bill Murray thinking? Why are there so many Japanese people? Are they ghosts? And who’s that girl with the lips? This is just offensive.
“21 Grams.” Call me a purist, but this was the worst drug movie ever.
“The Haunted Mansion.” Call me a purist, but this was the best drug movie ever. And if you get really stoned, Eddie Murphy almost looks like that funny guy from “Saturday Night Live.”
“Finding Nemo.” Nothing could be sadder than a clownfish searching the ocean for his lost son. Except maybe a grown man crying. Or a grown man crying who tastes the salt in his tears and gets a craving for sushi and then realizes he’s eating fish and then cries some more. I’m sorry, Dad.
“Calendar Girls.” A movie about hot naked women! This is awesome! Hey, could you hand me my glasses? Thanks. BlehAsfkl;nkwefa3!
“Chasing Liberty.” Bill Murray plays an aging American movie star and Scarlett Johansson plays a young bride trapped in a loveless relationship. Stunning, simple and hauntingly beautiful.
“Seabiscuit.” Tobey Maguire plays a talking horse searching the countryside for his lost son. Along the way he meets William H. Macy, a pedophile with short-term memory loss; Chris Cooper, a 150-year-old sea turtle; and Jeff Bridges, a surly crustacean who solves riddles. On second thought, that doesn’t sound right at all.
Maybe I’m thinking of “Mystic River.”
