Chill Out

ave Holstein

There are a lot of surprises that occur this time of the year. For some people, one of those is winter. “Can you believe this weather?” they ask. “No,” I reply, politely breaking my lockjaw with a clenched fist, unable to feel my legs or face. “I certainly can’t.” This is January. And yes, it’s so cold the BoSox could win a World Series. Nonetheless, here’s some advice to help you live ’til March and thaw that keg off your back porch before it stains the wood.

Ask a girl if she’d like to be naked with you. This is a great way to meet potential new girlfriends. Because remember, gentlemen, nothing turns a girl on more than the prospect of being naked with you. That, and your cold shriveled genitals.

Blame the cold on others. But first be sure to blame others that have no way of easily defending themselves, like Jesus or Keanu Reeves. After all, that’s the American way. “Jesus, it’s cold!” Yeah, you now what else was cold? Having to die for your sins.

In the case of dealing with children, explain to them that the cold is merely God’s way of saying you were born with parents who don’t love you enough to move to a warmer climate. Also, tell them that the snow is really God’s frozen tears and if they touch it they’ll die. Then laugh and don’t explain why.

Piss and moan. Nothing satisfies that post-holiday season lament like complaining about things no one can change. “It’s so cold outside,” said the homeless man who lives in the vacant alley next to my apartment, using his shoe as a pillow. Oh, well, please allow me to adjust the thermostat. Because that’s me, I’m the sun god.

Accuse other people of pissing and moaning. “Stop pissing and moaning.” I’m sorry, was I pissing AND moaning? I didn’t realize my zipper was down and that I was simultaneously having an orgasm and urinating on your friend, Pedro. Let me get you a towel.

Invade Iraq. I’m not really sure why you would, but this apparently solves a lot of problems.

When the lock on your front door freezes and won’t let you in, curse at it until people on the sidewalk slow down and hand over their loose change.

Pretend the wind that blows off Lake Michigan is really the proverbial winds of change. But by “change,” we mean “extensive hypothermia” and by “blows” and “proverbial” we mean “sucks” and “my ass.”

Know that spring is not that far away. Keep telling yourself this. Stop when your friends start referring to you as “that guy who talks about spring.”