The end is nigh. The guy outside the Jesus bookstore told me so. I was skeptical at first, but when reputable news sources like “The 700 Club” started picking up the story, I knew it was true. Pat Robertson and friends pointed to a laundry list of signs: Sept. 11, 2001, human cloning, the space shuttle Columbia disaster, impending astrological alignments, Harry Potter, etc.
Soon the Antichrist will come and the war to end all wars shall begin. The forces of God shall battle with the army of Satan for control of the universe. The televangelists are hard at work soliciting donations for spiritual military spending. Satan and friends have been keeping their cool, until recently. All around us, in popular culture, are the true signs of cultivation of his Royal Satanic Majesty’s Army.
Let’s examine the satanic system. With puberty now starting as early as nine or ten, potential MTV watchers can begin their assimilation into the ranks of the satanic military right as they finish reading Harry Potter.
MTV is the center of the dark plot: a massive international multimedia empire targeted towards the young strapping soldiers that will fight on the front lines. Everyday, the young soldiers tune in to wait for the first word from their leader, the Antichrist.
Various reputable Internet sites tell us that the Antichrist will assume control of the world on a wave of blind euphoria, promising an age of prosperity. Things will proceed beautifully for 3 1/2 years, but then the Antichrist will suddenly flip out, turn on the world and proclaim him- or herself savior, setting the war countdown in motion. So who could the Antichrist be? This is the question that MTV helps answer, with its constant parade of popular culture tuned programming and hourly MTV news updates. There are two major candidates.
1. Jennifer Lopez. She started her career with a few watchable movies and sold a bunch of records as a mediocre dance pop diva. Then the J-Lo thing started, and her ass got bigger, and pretty soon she had a massive entourage of followers and was summoning limos to drive a block. She proved her power by teaming up with Matthew McConaughey to create a piece of cinema so trashy that she should be banned from all media. She would be, if Demonic Overlord Satan hadn’t stepped in.
2. P. Diddy. He started as plain old Puff Daddy, record executive and music producer. Then he began stealing music from others and calling it his own. Not content to be behind the scenes anymore, he dropped his phat debut album and became a household name. Channeling more and more power, he started throwing massive, celebrity-fueled, Bacchanalian sex carnivals and designing clothing. Then the quality of his music suddenly went from bad to unlistenable, and he changed his name to the much more satanic P. Diddy. His recent comment expressing his desire to own the New York Knicks surely is a sign, making Mr. Diddy the man to watch.
The most conclusive proof of all is the attempted union between these two — the result of planning from below that ignored the fact that love just can’t last between two budding powers of darkness.
Be ready, dear readers, for the end is nigh. Jennifer Lopez has four movies in the works, and P. Diddy is about to drop the dopest, phattest rhymes of his career. Soon the armies will amass, and the greatest war will begin. So grab your copies of “Maid in Manhattan” and “We Invented the Remix.” You don’t want to get stuck in heaven with Jerry Falwell and his ilk.
