Summer is well on the way, and the best holiday of the year is right around the corner. There is nothing I like more than blowing a bunch of stuff up to celebrate our independence from tyranny. The Fourth of July rules!
July Fourth makes me proud to be an American! And this year, more than ever, it is important for us to show our patriotism by celebrating the living hell out of the Fourth. America is still at war, and we need to show our troops in Iraq that we are behind them 100 percent.
I’m going to light extra fireworks this year to let those Iraqis know that if they mess with the United States, we’re gonna come get them.
But the Fourth of July is about more than seared dead cow and explosives “Made in China.” It’s part of our American heritage.
Back in 1776, representatives of the 13 colonies gathered to let those limey Brits know that nobody is better than America. You see, those English wankers thought they could push America around.
They were forcing leaders upon us that we didn’t elect, subverting the legal system to unfairly punish people suspected of anti-government activities and levying taxes that unfairly favored large multinational corporations. No wonder there was a revolution.
If that happened in America today, there would be trouble, let me tell you.
So the 13 colonies extended their 13 middle fingers, and the British Empire sent their army over — which was red, just like the communists. They fought hard, but were no match for our orbital lasers and patriot missiles.
We defeated the world’s most powerful army. And do you know why? Because God was, is and always will be on the side of America. Our Lord and Savior knows that America is the greatest country that ever was and ever will be.
With the grace of God, we were finally able to exploit the land and engage in genocide without some tea-drinking Beatle taxing us.
Which brings us to what the Fourth of July is really about: It’s the celebration of when a bunch of white dudes decided they had more of a right to steal land and spread smallpox than a different bunch of white dudes with funny accents.
So when you celebrate the Fourth this weekend, don’t forget about all the brave Americans who had to die so you can watch parades and catch salmonella.
If you’re feeling really patriotic, you should come down to my Fourth of July bash. In the morning, we’ll head to the bookstore to buy copies of Ann Coulter’s new book “Treason.”
The afternoon festivities will begin with a reading of the Declaration of Independence.
After that, we’ll toss some big hunks of dead animal on a fire while we get totally wasted on cheap American beer and watch an old CNN tape I have of Gulf War bombing footage.
After we puke ourselves silly from alcohol and overeating, we’ll head to the middle of the street and blow stuff up. The festivities will conclude with a burning of Dixie Chicks CDs and Hillary Clinton’s autobiography.
God bless America!
