This was supposed to be my week off: seven days of bliss without NU football, Kasses’ laugh, Benjamin’s whining, Badger’s Mach 3-like edge and Donnelly’s holier-than-thou attitude. It was Thursday afternoon, hours before a weekend of boozin’ and snoozin’ would mercifully commence.

Then, like a kick to the junk, Donnelly summoned me into Hell and forced me to hack out a few hundred words.

Woe is life.

Here I am, spinning slams faster than Kasses scarfs chicken wings (Hour of Power, Nov. 25, bring it). For a guy known for taking his time, the sudden deadline puts my back to the wall. Lucky for me, it doesn’t take long to find flaws with this troublesome trio.

I’ll begin with Kasses, a guy who knows a thing or two about finishing quickly. This week, Glenn showed me how to beat a red light and cut off cars on major streets. Drooling with glee, he boasted about how he never resorts to hand gestures while driving, preferring to “play games” with his fellow motorists. Better stick to road rage. The Buckeyes get the finger against Illinois.

Moving on to Benjamin, who can count her non-Deuce Thursdays on one hand. Don’t worry, gents, she’ll be back in her habitat soon enough. (Note: she’ll be the one wearing black pants — good luck finding her.) No one thought Kasses’ 4-8 gem could be replicated, but Benj managed to join him on Planet Loser. Look out. Stumbling sports editor coming your way. Michigan State cracks in East Lansing.

Then we come to Badger and Donnelly, a pair who would stop at nothing to stick together. Alas, they’ll have to part for the Daily Sports-Daily News hoops game Friday night. Donnelly’s definitely put in his share of time at SPAC this quarter, but his pseudo-jockness won’t save him from a bony Badger elbow to the groin. This team would be sitting pretty, but they have this habit of putting the wrong teams in the wrong places. Bowling Green gores the Bulls.

Lastly, we get to Eric. I wouldn’t have a beef with this dude, except he feels the need to flood my inbox with mindless information on a daily basis. Here’s some useless history for you: No one other than Roger Boye has pulled a back-to-back in Forecasters. The tribe has spoken. LSU rolls.

Wow, I’m spent. That’s all you get for this week, but don’t worry. Next week, I’ll be back, locked and loaded.