Like all good Americans over 18 with no felony convictions, I voted in last Tuesday’s elections. And, like all good Americans, I did careful research so I knew I was supporting the right candidate. For example, after carefully examining Senator Durbin and challenger Jim Durkin’s photographs, I cast my vote for Durbin’s soft eyes over Durkin’s pudgy, pale mug.
Our leaders need to be beautiful — we don’t want ugly people representing us. Beauty obsession is what makes American politics so grand. Unfortunately, less politically disciplined means are used by the very leaders we elect. Physical appearance takes a back seat to the issues too often, including social security, national defense, and education. I will not stand for this anymore. Before our country can become truly great, we must extend these grand principles of our election process to our national descision making.
Luckily, our leaders have an excellent grasp of foreign policy. There’s a reason America is so cozy with Tony Blair. He has a beautiful face, and he always keeps just a bit of sexy stubble on it. Rrrrar! His hair is just a tad too messy and big for a politican, but Tony pulls it off with style and sexiness. He is clearly a man who doesn’t like to play by the rules, and we can see this in his appearance. Rebels are always sexy.
And how about Vladimir Putin? With a sloped forehead and bedroom eyes, how can we not give into this man’s demands? I say we bomb Chechnya, and anything else you say, Vladimir my love.
Vicente Fox, you’re not bad, but you could use some work. The 70s are over, my friend. We like you, but if you want to pull your country out of poverty, you had better get out your Mach 3 and kill that mustache like it’s a Zapatista.
What about our other enemies? Of course we hate China. Jiang Zemin’s glasses alone justify a Dresden-style firebombing. They make his slight facial features look microscopic. Think of what a pair of Bono sunglasses could do for this man. And I’m sorry, Jiang, but the greasy slicked back hair went out sometime during the Great Leap Forward. It looks like you haven’t changed your hair style since the Long March. Even if it were stylish, it would be a definite ‘no’, since it accents your receeding hairline.
We have to do something about all of the recent problems in the Middle East–most notably our choice of unbeautiful allies. Why are we attacking Iraq? Even though Saddam has jowls and Ron Jeremy’s moustache, he’s quite the looker compared to some of the other leaders in the region. I say we leave Saddam alone: The real danger is Ariel Sharon. He’s short, pudgy and has a terrible haircut. And while Yasser Arafat isn’t exactly a sex bomb, the facial hair and funny hat give him a gentle grandfatherly look. For Sharon, even with a makeover, I think atomic bombs are the only thing that can really settle the situation.
Osama Bin Laden, you have trouble coming your way. With a little scotchguard, your facial hair could carpet my living room. If you don’t want to die, shave that thing and kill the animals living in it. You have nice eyes, but no one is going to look at them with that hairball in the way. For now, all of America wants you dead.
If America sticks together, we can make the world a better one, where everyone looks like a model. I dream of a day when people stop watching scrambled porn and start masturbating to C-span.
Mike Sherman is a Communication senior. He can be reached at [email protected].
