Somewhere along Sheridan Road, in last Friday’s frigid twilight, I caught sight of a discarded Garfield Trapper Keeper and a Wild Wild West notebook. Inside were the campaign diaries of ASG presidential candidates Stefan Beck and Adam Humann, respectively. In the spirit of an informed constituency, I present you excerpts from their journals.

Monday

Adam Humann: My platform is wicked! All that’s left is the summary statement — and I think I’ve got it — “I will open communication on campus by facilitating open dialogues that engage discourse and the transmission of messages that will promote open relationships in campus communication communities.”

Stefan Beck: Killing crows is the killer issue! Get it? “Killing,” “killer.” I kill me. Ha, that’s even better. I could make a killing in comedy!

Tuesday

Humann: Today’s second round of fliering was a real success. It’s good to have connections. I got Bobb’s RA to stamp four of my posters instead of just three. Good luck winning the second floor of Bobb, Eric and Stefan — it’s in the bag!

Beck: I’m beginning to think that my messages aren’t resonating on campus. Time to turn it up a notch. Evil Dave used wrestling — but I’ve got an even better idea! Cock fights, but with crows! Then I’ve got it all, no more crows and an outlet for NU’s gambling constituency. I just need to catch a few crows and test it out.

Wednesday

Humann: Door-to-door campaigning is going great! Developing some new ideas — does Communications Residential College communicate enough? I’ll investigate. Getting a good response from the girls. The presidency is a chick magnet.

Beck: The crows got loose. My room is covered with bird shit. And I think one died behind the radiator. On the upside, I saw this really cute girl in my European Civ. class. Didn’t say anything yet, but when I drop off the sunglasses I swiped from her, I’m sure I can talk her into voting for me.

Thursday

Humann: Wow! Svendsen drops out and Stefan has only 7 percent of the Daily poll! May I suggest a theme song, Stefan? It’s a ditty by another Beck, a little something called “Loser”! Wow, Beck — “Loser,” I should write for Leno. That’ll kill at chapter. No, I’ll save it for the debates. It’s pure gold!

Beck: Man, this just isn’t my week. I guess European Civ. girl saw me grab her glasses, ’cause she left an angry message on my machine. Now I have to explain that the crows built a nest with her shades. Plus the debates are tonight, and I look bad in the polls. I wish people would stop singing “Loser.”

Friday

Humann: The ladies are already lining up. I got a real supportive e-mail from some girl who said that Stefan stole her glasses. Looking good, Adam, looking good. Haven’t seen many crows lately. I hope Stefan doesn’t get any credit.

Beck: Had to sleep in the TV lounge last night, so many crows in my room. They just keep coming. Chances don’t look good. Do I run again? Nevermore.