Hey everyone!

Dear Venus, The Daily’s sex and love column, is back! The column was previously called “Sock on the Door,” but I changed it to Dear Venus to make it really clear I want questions and submissions from you! I’m Venus, and I’m here to provide a listening ear and give advice to the best of my abilities (aka, I’m not a professional). But I am a queer college student with lots of knowledge and opinions about sex and love. If you want to know more about who I am, check out my introduction. 

For now, I want to give my long overdue responses to some submissions from summer:

Hi Venus. It’s been a year since I accepted the fact that I’m a lesbian, but I’m struggling to come out to my parents. I know they’ll be accepting, though I also know they won’t fully “understand.” But I feel like I can’t fully explore my sexuality until I’m honest with the people around me. I’m thinking I just need to pull off the band-aid. What do you think?  

— Megan Rapin-hoe

Dear Megan Rapin-hoe,

Let’s go lesbians, let’s go! Cheesy as it might sound, I want to say that your self-acceptance and confidence is the number one priority. The fact that you’ve been in a comfortable place with your sexuality for over a year is something to be celebrated. 

I’m a strong believer in the fact that you don’t owe anyone your story. Coming out is a long-standing rite in the queer community, but why? We have to come out because being cisgender and heterosexual is considered the norm. I hope eventually this isn’t the universal assumption. For now, make sure you are telling people because that’s what feels best to you, and not because you think you have to. 

I also want to acknowledge how scary it can be to come out. I was scared to come out even though I have a very queer friend group and many gay family members. No matter how accepting people might be, it’s still terrifying to be vulnerable. Your fear is valid, but so is your desire to be known in this way. No matter what you decide to do, your identities are yours and aren’t defined by who knows or who doesn’t. 

All the love,

Venus

Hi Venus, my partner and I have been seeing each other for four months now and so far things have been pretty vanilla. However she keeps suggesting the possibility of a three-way with me and her ex. I’m not necessarily opposed to a three-way, but am I wrong to feel uncomfortable that she wants her ex involved in it?

— Is3BetterThan2

Dear Is3BetterThan2,

You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable! I think that is a super normal reaction and I personally would feel similarly. That being said, it’s most important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what both of you want and what boundaries you have. 

I would ask her if the main draw was the threesome in general or the opportunity to reconnect with her ex. Reflect on your own personal boundaries and tell her how you’re feeling (make sure to use “I” statements). If you’re currently in a monogamous relationship, this would be a step toward polyamory. It’s extremely important to be specific about what that means for both of you and what limits you want to establish. 

If you decide you’re uncomfortable with including her ex but are still looking for a third, hit me up. Just kidding! But I do think sex with multiple people can be fun and empowering. Just make sure everyone’s on the same page about relationship status and consents to the arrangement. Threesomes are a great way to learn more about your own sexuality and experiment with polyamory. I hope whatever you decide, you keep open communication with your partner and can have some fun and sexy times together. 

Xoxo,

Venus

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions, comments or need advice please fill out this Google form and check The Daily’s opinion section each week to read my response. 

Venus can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.