1,001 Nights With Laken: Heinous and hysterical messages

Laken Howard, Columnist

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Although most weeks I’ll use this blog to tell you about particular dates I’ve been on, this week I wanted my blog to supplement my column, so I’ll show you some examples of hilarious and horrifying messages I’ve recently received on OkCupid.

First, the horrifying:

“Want to be my slut? Or at least get f—– later today.”

First of all, no. I don’t know if this sort of thing ever works for this creep, but personally I don’t know any girls who would respond positively to being referred to as a ‘slut’ before the guy even says hello.

“hey cutie I was thinking we should talk what do you think?”

Hard pass.

I must commend you on your choice of profile pics; they really advertise your biological prowess. Your voluptuous figure, along with your fair complexion, tells me that you are healthy, and therefore would make a great choice for a breeding partner. I must ask though: How would you rate your ability to climb trees? I ask because, in the off chance a ground predator were to loom the horizon we could both escape via the trees without me having to risk my life in an attempt to defend you from said predator. If my instincts are correct, then I believe a biological pairing between us may be a practical and mutually benefitting affair. Would you be available for some light discourse?”

You might say, “Well gee, that was pretty funny and clever!” Which it is, if you haven’t received it from different men on several other occasions. This is a classic example of what we call a “copy pasta message,” where somehow these men have a stored bank of what they think are “good” messages which they then proceed to copy and paste and send to basically any woman on the site. That’s not cute.

“Hello Laken, I’m —-. I could waste your time with cliches but I’d rather let you know that I’d be interested in talking sometime. I can be a bit blunt, but I’m an honest, trustworthy guy. I could type till the cows come home about how great I am but words are wind. Lets talk and you can see for yourself. ;)”

This is where you have to be careful if you aren’t as well versed in online dating as I am. This may sound nice, but really, it says nothing at all personal and honestly sounds like a load of bullshit. It also slightly resembles what I like to call the classic “sales pitch.” Guys love to list all their great qualities, hoping I’ll be so taken by how amazing they are I’ll forget that they appeared to not even have read my profile and have shown no real interest in getting to know me.

“Hey, how are you? I think you’re very cute and wanted to ask you if you wanna meet up today for some long hot fun? I’m not talking 30min. and just fun I’m std free and love to get wild. Are you up for this?”

This is even worse than the first guy I listed. I don’t think I ever want to hear the phrase “long hot fun” again. This guy sent me almost the exact same message about two days before this one, too, so that adds some extra creepy.

“Do you like lame jokes? What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can’t tunafish! A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop. P.S. I live near the morse redline stop P.P.S. It would be pretty cool if you had SSB for N64. I have Ocarina of Time still. Haha.”

This is bad on a few levels. First of all, one of my friends got this exact same message today, minus the P.P.S. since that was specific to my profile (half a point awarded for that). Secondly, he told me where he lives in the first message, which comes off as extremely presumptuous and creepy. Lastly, those jokes are just … awful.

Now for some funny ones:

“wow I must say, you’re absolutely stunning… i really hope you don’t mind me asking this, but do you have a big butt?”

I could have included this under “horrifying,” but I mostly found it too funny to be real. Obviously I didn’t answer him, but at least I got a laugh out of his weird and very personal question.

“You are like the dream woman of every ginger man ever, lol.”

I guess I deserved that one for mentioning how attracted to gingers I am in my profile. Sigh.

“Hey I’m —-, just read your profile and I want to use you for your n64 lol! I think it’s cool that you want to write for the onion though. Really funny show :)”

Okay when I said “message me if you want to use me solely for my N64” I was clearly being facetious. Now I pay the price because every message I get somehow mentions that line. And since when is The Onion a show? Well, it has television shows, but I’m pretty sure it’s most famous for its newspaper. This guy seemed pretty illiterate though, so this makes a lot of sense.

“Hey, so whats like the most spontanious thing u ever done? ;-)”

Do I even need to comment on this one?

“Why is a sexy and fun lady like you having trouble finding mates in the real world? How does a suite in the trump tower sound for a date?”

I’m mostly surprised Chet Haze didn’t write this message. When did I ever say I couldn’t find dates in the “real world?” Ugh.

“Am I just dreaming to believing a hot white woman like you would pay any attention to me?”

Mostly I was amused by his verb conjugation here.

There are plenty more I could show you, but all of these were only from early April and it would take me days to filter through the other hundreds of messages still in my inbox. I hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I did. If you want more, let me know and I’ll do this again sometime. Adios, lovers.