All of us have a past-past relationships, past hookups and past loves. People tend to generalize a relationship with a new partner as necessitating a complete abandonment of the past, but in reality that’s usually easier said than done. Every encounter shapes who we are and how we react to new situations, including those that involve a new significant other. Being cheated on, abused and/or neglected by a past partner will likely find a way to influence one’s outlook on the opposite sex and can potentially cause an untimely ending with a new mate.

It’s impossible to entirely leave behind your past, but learning to manage it is essential. Blaming your new partner for past wrongdoings of exes is likely to generate unhappiness and irritation. Similarly, chastising your new partner for his or her own past will only lead to disappointment and heartache. It would appear those people with baggage from past relationships are kind of screwed (not it a good way), but allowing your past to help shape your new relationships in a healthy and positive way is possible.

View past relationships as a learning experience. Being bitter and upset over the way a relationship ended is comMonday, but thinking of the past as a barometer of what you want and don’t want in future relationships is highly advantageous. Let’s say your boyfriend cheated on you. Despite the urge to go all Elin Woods on him with a nine-iron, make it your mission to be the bigger person and walk away knowing that you won’t excuse cheating in future flings. What you shouldn’t do, however, is allow your cheating ex to become your image of every member of the opposite sex-you can’t go into a new relationship not trusting the person just because you’ve been cheated on before. It should be understood that it might take some time to break down the wall most people inevitably build up after being hurt. Trust me, the good ones will stick around long enough to make it known he or she is nothing like your ex.

Help your new partner feel comfortable with your past. Some people, myself not included, possess the ability to remain friends with their exes after a breakup or with people they’ve hooked up with. Although this may be an indication of immense maturity, it may just make your new love fairly uncomfortable. Despite the propensity for some people to characterize this discomfort as jealousy, it’s simply not the case. Instead of getting upset and calling your new boo jealous or crazy, it will save you some serious screaming if you calmly attempt to reach a compromise about the situation, like limiting your interactions with your ex for a little while or introducing the old and the new-anything to make your new partner more at ease.

The bottom line is that it is impractical to think one’s past will not have any affect on the future. Being open and honest about your feelings and discussing the past in a rational and reasonable manner will allow you to become closer with your partner. Becoming extremely defensive when any mention of the past arises will only produce more drama than it is worth. Keep in mind your ex is your ex for a reason and that your new partner is not a carbon copy of every person from your past. A little faith in the opposite sex goes a long way in new relationships.