What do Manny, Floyd Landis and Jason Giambi have in common besides being possible names of Rollin’ To Go sandwiches? Yep, they’ve all been caught using performance-enhancing drugs. Star athletes will always have access to these substances (I’m on to you, Usain Bolt), so we shouldn’t be policing steroids. We should make them mandatory. This would guarantee a level playing field and make sports about 50 cc’s more fun to watch.
I’m not saying I think all athletes are on drugs. Just that they should be. Barry Bonds never took steroids. He bought them, used them and probably bathed in them, but he never took them from anyone, at least not without asking.
Steroids can’t tarnish our favorite sports if they’re an integral part of them. Players could follow team juicing regimens to go along with their regular workouts, resulting in a race of super-human behemoth athletes throwing cars as far as footballs. Imagine Sportscenter’s top 10 plays littered with half-court dunks and quadruple plays. Tiger Woods could get a hole in one on a par 8. Tom Brady could have a passing and receiving touchdown on the same play. Sure, steroids have negative health consequences, but pro athletes will have back and knee problems for the rest of their lives. Why not scarred livers and miniature testicles too?
Some will worry about the example this sets for children, but there is a way to ensure athletes will always be positive role models: We ‘roid up our kids from day one. Little Billy doesn’t need Ovaltine. He needs Creatine. Just sprinkle some HGH on his Cheerios and wait for the scholarship offers to roll in. No one enjoys pee-wee soccer games, but that will change once kids start running the 100 in 10 seconds and bench pressing the entire cheerleading squad (who will now be making pyramids taller than most buildings).
This pro-doping initiative will continue into college sports. Northwestern’s women’s lacrosse team is already the best in world, and in this new steroid-friendly age, they’d win every game by 40 points instead of 20. That’s just good TV. March Madness will finally live up to its name with ‘roid rage turning players into raving, buzzer-beating lunatics. The Heisman Trophy will have to be altered, though, to include a snug rubber hose tied around its trademark stiff-arm.
The effects of drug liberation in sports would be far-reaching. City planners can design larger sports arenas to accommodate athletes’ anabolic new skill levels. Congress could get its nose out of baseball’s business and go back to doing what it does best, whatever that may be.
We’ve been ruining the names of our athletes for far too long. Sports aren’t about being the best in the world. They’re about being the best modern science will allow. Naysayers can enjoy the highlights they’ve been watching for years. I’ll be busy watching Adrian Peterson break the NFL’s single-season rushing record…in one game.
