A few weeks ago, I read about a group by the name of oNe Northwestern. Its goal, as far as I can tell, is to foster a sense of campus unity. In a recent letter defending the organization, oNe Northwestern member Matt Bellassai said that it aims to bring the university together by helping students “find a connection organically” and “spark a fun and ‘consensual’ conversation about Northwestern in general.”

I’m not going to criticize the group for its na’ve, freshman-like idealism or its lack of a discernible plan of action. Those are only criticisms of its stated agenda. Its secret agenda, on the other hand, is much more practical, although it’s likely to ruffle some feathers. And it looks like I’m going to have to be the one to blow the whistle. Sorry, oNe Northwestern…the jig is up.

I was able to discover the truth using only the smallest amount of detective work. First, I noticed their intentionally vague mission statement. Then, I noticed a few of Bellassai’s suspicious word choices – specifically, when he mentioned that oNe Northwestern wants us to come together in a way that is “organic,” “fun,” and “consensual.” Finally, after I remembered that College Feminists’ annual “Sex Week” is a mere two months away, it hit me like a freight train. They’re planning an orgy. A massive, campus-wide orgy.

Now, am I suggesting that we celebrate university togetherness with a pan-Northwestern love fest? Of course not. That would be completely uncalled for. The idea is oNe Northwestern’s alone, although I doubt they’ll admit it. To be honest, I have to admire them for their audacity. They have the courage to declare (though not publicly), in the face of traditional social norms, that the only way we can transgress the bounds that separate us and become one Northwestern is to get naked.

An NU orgy, at least in theory, would be a great way to unify the “student body.” However, it’s not without its complications. For starters, the logistics behind a “fivesome,” or even a “foursome,” are pretty intricate, but NU has around 8,300 undergrads; is an “8,300-some” even mathematically possible? It’s been rumored that Leonhard Euler himself was able to prove the existence of an arbitrary “n-some” using graph theory, but the evidence is tenuous at best. Either way, planning an NU orgy would be a logistical nightmare.

Furthermore, given Ballassai’s remark that the unification process must be “consensual,” there’s no way we can make the orgy mandatory. Some students are bound to have issues with participating in a teeming mass of naked flesh that’s so large you could be see it from space. Similar qualms have been stated regarding past Sex Week events. Concerned with the Sex Week’s focus on liberal sexuality, a group of concerned students formed Women of Worth, a group that since has offered more traditional, Christian-friendly activities. Well…I’m not sure how you would make an orgy more Christian, but it would probably work as long as you threw in some bibles.

Weinberg senior Jeff Crockett can be reached at [email protected].