Dear Michael Phelps,

You used to be my biggest role model. When you captured your eighth gold medal in Beijing, you showed me that anyone – through hard work, dedication, and a “perfect storm” of good swimming genes – can achieve greatness. However, now that a British tabloid has published a photo of you taking an Olympic-sized bong rip, your reputation for moral excellence is in jeopardy. By displaying a cavalier attitude toward such a dangerous substance, you have alienated your peers and joined the ranks of mouth-breathing bottom-feeders like William Shakespeare, Milton Friedman, uber-physicist Richard Feynman and our three most recent U.S. presidents.

You have already apologized for your actions. I admire that, but I’m afraid the damage is done, and I’m not just talking about your lucrative sponsorship deals. I’m talking about your health. Marijuana, despite what you’ve heard from NORML and “Big Weed,” is highly hazardous to your health – even if you only do it once. I shudder just thinking about what could have happened to you that night. You could’ve gotten really, really hungry (and if there’s one thing that can ruin a swimmer’s career, it’s eating too much food). You could’ve watched “American Dad”…and actually thought it was funny. For God’s sake, man – you could’ve fallen asleep.

It’s true that you went through years of backbreaking labor in your quest for Olympic immortality, so it’s only fair that you be allowed to blow off a little steam. But if you think that gives you an excuse to break the law…think again. Besides, it’s not like you can’t have a good time while still obeying the law. Thanks to the non-hypocrisy of U.S. drug laws, you can help yourself to all sorts of legal, mind-altering substances that lack the health risks of marijuana. So, the next time someone offers you a free bong rip, just say no. Instead, snort Zoloft. Eat enough raw nutmeg to trip for days. Huff paint thinner until you’re sporting a gaping hole in your face. It’s true that some of these legal alternatives have drawbacks – including physical dependence, permanent brain damage and death – but they pale in comparison to the scourge of humanity known as “the munchies.”

Haven’t all those “above the influence” ads taught you anything? They’ve done a great job of spreading anti-marijuana awareness. They’re the reason we know that every time you smoke weed, you turn into a boneless sack of skin, get kicked in the shins by a donkey, commit vehicular manslaughter in the drive-thru lane and telepathically give third-degree burns to your little brother. How could you not have gotten the message? I guess you were too busy Tivo-ing your way through the commercial breaks.

I know this letter has been pretty harsh, but I’d love to see you learn from this experience and move on with your life. And the next time you feel like celebrating, just do what the rest of us law-abiding, God-fearing Americans do. Drink yourself into a coma.

Sincerely, Jeff Crockett