Shhhhhh … I have a secret: I am Politically Correct.

I know, I am a creature to be pitied: perpetually offended, tongue-tied by PC terms. Weep not for me, for all the weekends I spent repeating “Asian American” and “developmentally disabled” have had a salutatory effect on my diction. No, save your pity for the terminally ill and those without basic cable.

Being Politically Correct isn’t a debilitating condition, like a chocolate allergy. In fact, if one makes the tiniest effort in the name of tolerance and respect, life actually becomes much easier. Because the true social lubricant is not in a pint of Guinness, but in avoiding an obvious Irish joke.

So why must They keep spoiling it? You know Them: the PC extremists with their apocryphal word origins and their fragrance-, touch- and humanity-free workplaces.

True Political Correctness requires the same rules as any other form of etiquette. One must tread lightly when pointing out others’ mistakes and avoid inflexibility. So why must They torment me?

Their latest crusade is best summed up as “Red pens are the devil!” According to the Associated Press, K-12 teachers across the country are being lobbied to eliminate Old Red and choose a less violent color for their corrections. Purple is enjoying a Barney-sized renaissance.

Apparently, all those red marks explain why Johnny can’t read, or more accurately, why he won’t read.

What. A. Crock.

This isn’t progress. It’s psychobabble and a lame attempt by parents to eliminate every threat to their children’s precious self-esteem. Desegregating schools was politically correct. Banning red ink isn’t.

The problem is not just the near certainty that future generations will suffer Post-Traumatic Purple Disorder (headline 2050: Green is the new purple). This whole ridiculous red ink debate is grade-A fodder for the anti-PC crowd.

“See how silly this PC stuff is?” they like to say, rolling their eyes. It’s their favorite can’t-be-bothered response. “Who can keep up with all of these new words? Why can’t I say it? All the black people do!”

Thanks to PC extremists, “Political Correctness” has become as pejorative a term as “fascist” or “Britney.”

I am all for improving the education system and protecting children’s self-esteem from the inappropriate actions of teachers. The key word being “inappropriate.” Public humiliation: bad. Red ink: really?

The PC zealots are not only giving the rest of us a bad name, they are bankrupting their own case. By trivializing compassion and serious analysis, they turn off more people than they enlighten. And forcing even good medicine down the throats of others just results in a broken tongue depressor and a messy exam room.

So leave me — and Political Correctness — alone! I have a red pen, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck is a Weinberg junior. She can be reached at [email protected].