Confessions of facebook stalkers

It all started when Dee Brown rejected our friendship. That bastard.

So then we wondered, is it Dee Brown who’s a bastard? Is it his too-cool-for-school No. 1 team that’s a bastard? Are all Big Ten men’s basketball players bastards?

We put them to the test, friending every Big Ten basketball player who was on and here’s what we found out.

(P.S. We didn’t friend Northwestern basketball players. We thought that would be creepy-awkward as opposed to creepy-fun.)

Illinois: 5 of 9. We were rejected by Dee, Luther, Nick and Deron. What, you have “basketball games” to play? Oh right. Verdict: Bastards, but we understand. It’s tough being No. 1.

Indiana: 2 of 11. That’s cold. Maybe they were too busy getting their bubble burst by our facebook friend Wisconsin’s Alando Tucker. They’re in facebook groups dedicated to each other like “The Liger is on the Prowl — Errek Suhr Appreciation Club.” We appreciate him too, but that’s still not enough to make up for the 18.2 percent retention rate. Verdict: Bastards.

Iowa: At first we were mad only three of them friended us. Then we realized that the holdout was Pierre Pierce. And then it all made sense. Greg Brunner was the highlight of this experience. First his picture was himself. Then his picture was Hansel (so hot right now). And now there’s a moose on his profile. He is also in a facebook group called “I Miss Pierre Pierce.” We do too. Not really. Verdict: Not Bastards.

Michigan: “Brent Petway is my hero.” “Brent Petway Can Jump So High He Should Be On the Football Team Just to Block Field Goals.” “Strip Flip Cup.” These are Petway’s groups. 8 of 13. Verdict: Not Bastards

Michigan State: Shannon Brown is in a group called “My Last Name Is a Color.” Very observant. Also, “My State is Not A Hand!” Yes it is. 7-of-8. Verdict: Not Bastards.

Minnesota: Jordan Nuness is in a group called “Bubble Tea Lovers.” Despite the lameness, 10 of 12 isn’t bad. Verdict: Not Bastards.

Ohio State: Terence Dials is in the “I Have Friends on the Facebook I’ve Never Met” group. We can confirm that. Seven of 11 friended us, but the Buckeyes lose major points for the shenanigans of Matt Marinchick who friended and then defriended us. Bastard. Verdict: Semi-bastards.

Penn State: Danny Morrissey friended us back within five minutes of our request. 10 of 12. Verdict: Not Bastards.

Purdue: Xavier Price’s clubs and jobs are “Basketball, it’s a club and job. It’s really the mafia, but don’t tell nobody.” 5 of 8. Verdict: Semi-bastards.

Wisconsin: The friendliest. 10 of 11 facebookable players friended us back. Also, Clayton Hanson is dreamy and in a facebook group called the Happy Hands Club. Verdict: Not Bastards.

Assistant Sports Editor Ariel Alexovich says Clayton Hanson’s hands can make her happy any time. She can be reached at [email protected]. Deputy Sports Editor Tania Ganguli is still recovering from Dee’s rejection. She can be reached at [email protected].