At one point freshman year I toyed with the idea of becoming a tour guide. Like Tom Green’s character from “Road Trip,” I would be the one to give them the inside scoop on our great Northwestern.
Rather than blurt out random, mundane facts like “Harris Hall was constructed in blah blah, has over X classrooms and even Y left-handed desks,” I would point out the important stuff — like the wet frats and the best places on campus to have sex.
Two years later I have to bite my tongue whenever I see those roaming packs of doe-eyed high school students and their parents. Sometimes I want to sneak up to one of the stragglers, whisper, “Don’t do it,” and walk away. But most of the time I just want to run by and yell, “Go to a state school! It’s really not worth it!”
Revenge of the fun police
It may have taken me two years, but I’ve realized that this place is absolutely no fun. This became glaringly evident the other day when I opened my inbox and read the Spring Quarter off-campus newsletter. It stated that every Friday and Saturday night two squad cars will be designated on “party patrol.”
From 10 p.m. to 2 a.m., four University Police officers will cruise around the neighborhoods surrounding campus, breaking up parties and issuing citations. Imagine my dismay.
Party patrols are nothing new. Remember when almost every party was broken up during New Student Week? That was them. Somehow six police officers were needed to break up a party my roommates and I threw the night before classes started. They swore up and down that there was a complaint called in by one of our neighbors. Even in this newsletter we are assured that “(Party Patrols) are specifically trying to deter illegal behavior, not trying to prevent parties.” Sure.
Now that the attacks and robberies of Fall Quarter have calmed down, UP can stop doing real police work and redirect officers to their favorite pastime — breaking up NU students parties.
My apartment is in the commercialized downtown area of Evanston. The only people who could have been bothered by our party were our neighbors above us. But it just so happens that they were in attendance at the time we were shut down. The cops lied, and our “disturbing the peace” tickets were thrown out of court. But wait — it gets better.
Effective Fall Quarter 2003, UP expanded its jurisdiction to include the majority of students living off-campus. NU also gave itself more power to punish students. Because we no longer live in the dorms, we can’t be placed on housing probation, so NU created “disciplinary probation.” Although our party was unfairly broken up, we were placed on this probation for the entire school year. We were foiled by the fun police.
Get your heads out of the books
But pointing the finger solely at NU officials wouldn’t be fair. Not when the average student’s idea of a fun time is studying outside instead of in the library, or running for Associated Student Government president under a platform of model trains and retinal scanners.
Fellow students, I beg you: Take off your glasses and let down your hair. You work hard during the week, so you’ve earned the right to play hard. Instead of shacking up with your textbook this Friday night, come to my party. It’s my birthday, and I’ll be damned if I let NU stop us from having fun.
To any UP officer reading this, salivating at the opportunity to come break up our party: This campus needs an outlet. We won’t be bothering anyone, and I can assure you that there will be no illegal behavior to deter. Don’t make me a martyr.
Jason Arican is a McCormick junior and a former DAILY staffer.
He can be reached at [email protected]
