In an effort to make ugly children feel less responsible for their aesthetic hardships, the University of San Diego State released a study Monday stating that ugly parents pass on their physical failures to their offspring.

The study, based on a nationwide survey conducted by the University’s Department of Genealogy, evaluated hundreds of low- to middle-income families whose medical records displayed a constant, unrelenting flow from generation to generation.

“Everybody has flaws,” said survey administrator Jeffery Berman, who holds a doctorate in genetic research. “Some just have more noticeable, bodily ones. Like gumball-sized moles.”

The evaluation questionaire consisted of a brief multiple-choice section and short answers on the back. Questions included, “If you were an insect, what kind of insect would you be?” and “How depressed are you really, deep down behind your horrid shell?”

For the short answer portion, recipients were asked what disease they hoped would end them. According to Jimmy Howard, a USDS junior and research assistant for the project, most simply wrote Death. “We got a lot of tropical diseases, fun ones like malaria and smallpox,” said Howard, who considers himself mildly attractive. “But I guess some prefer the easy way out.”

To achieve a better reader response rate, administrators said they disguised the three-page postal survey as a free coupon for Oxy brand face concealment.

“We wanted honest answers. We couldn’t just go around calling up parents and try to do this whole thing by phone. Every parent thinks his or her child is the best barnacle on the boat,” Berman said, his glutinous legs strangled in a pair of cargo shorts. “That wouldn’t be the least bit scientific.”

Still, some skeptics, like university animal rights activist sophomore Hilarie Staid, question the study’s legitimacy. “If these parents have sought plastic surgery, are they, in fact, tricking the world into thinking their children will live a normal life?” said Staid. “Especially in the case of surrogate mothers?”

Berman said he had confidence in the department’s research and assured the public that future generations were at greater risk.”This trend isn’t going to just stop. It’s no miracle that these (unattractive) people find each other. It’s like Darwin’s theory: the strong survive,” Berman said. “And in this case the strong are really ugly.”

Note: This article is not true. Sorry.

Communication junior and PLAY humor columnist Dave Holstein considers himself mildly attractive. He can be reached at [email protected].