Probably the guy whose car got hit — but other than him, no one
When it comes to birthdays, 36 isn’t a big one — but professional drug addict and all-around screw-up Scott Weiland, lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots, spent his special day doping himself up, plowing his BMW into a parked car and subsequently bailing himself out of jail. After this exercise in stupidity, Pasadena Superior Court Commissioner Colleen Serio sent Weiland to detox and then rehab, telling him, “You’re a very talented person, and you know the ramifications of using drugs.” We challenge Serio on both of her claims, but it looks like her actions have at least temporarily halted production on the debut album from Velvet Revolver, the new Weiland-fronted band composed mostly of former members of Guns N’ Roses. Who says no good comes from drug-induced birthday car crashes?
In other news, Condoleezza Rice has misplaced her spunk
You might not have noticed when you saw him giving a bazillion boring-ass press conferences this spring — blah blah shock, blah blah awe — but U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld used to ooze mojo. Well, he also oozed that creepy “I may or may not be a reanimated corpse” vibe, but mostly it was a whole lotta mojo. In fact, Time recently ran an article addressing Rumsfeld’s difficulties in post-war Iraq and in dealing with U.S. lawmakers, but seriously — “losing his mojo?” It sounds like two interns were joking around and put in a fake headline that somehow made it all the way to print. When asked about the elusive mojo, Rumsfeld admitted he didn’t really know what it was, but, for good measure, posited, “And I guess the answer is that beauty’s in the eye of the beholder.” When you’ve got choice nuggets like that up your sleeve, who the hell needs mojo anyway?
And Tom Cruise still doesn’t love her
Oh, Rosie. We confess that for an awkward period of our lives, we idolized you; you were our Queen of Nice, and we were your humble attendants. But now, Rosie O’Donnell, you are nothing but an “