To start, I should try to be as clear as possible: I don’t know you and I won’t presume to understand what goes on in your life, but nevertheless, you disgust me. How could you be who you are? What the hell goes on in your mind that makes you so unbelievably repulsive? I’m not saying I don’t hate myself; I do. But I hate you too. Why is that?

Probably because you’re horrible. You wear lots of shirts that say “A & F” or “Old Navy.” You like John Mayer and Dave Matthews Band. You want to be a consultant or a lawyer. You think that college presents a good opportunity for learning networking skills. You think looks are really important both personally and professionally. You want to check out some reggae later tonight. You try to work out once a week. You have your own secret philosophy about the way life really works (it inadvertently resembles Ayn Rand’s). You know what you will be like in 20 years by looking at your parents and their friends. You wear a visor upside-down and backwards. You can’t imagine your life without getting drunk at least twice a week. You only like popular hip-hop music. Before you go out, you stare at the mirror for at least five minutes. Northwestern was not your top choice. Your favorite movies are “The Shawshank Redemption” and “Legally Blonde.” You like America. You laugh at other people’s misfortunes. You prefer gel to hairspray. You write to-do lists. You like to use the word “dude.” You have definite opinions about handbags. You have ambitions, but they’re secret. Nothing you say is interesting or controversial. You’re always smiling. You can’t be alone, or you’ll suffocate. You are nice.

But maybe you’re none of the above. Maybe you hate these things too. But you’re probably just as disgusting. You remind everyone that you liked Nirvana before they were big. You wear vintage shirts two sizes too small. You like to point out that the U.S. government has some questionable foreign policies. You identify with Holden Caulfield more than anyone else in the world. Your favorite movies are “Solaris” (the original, not the bastardized remake) and “The Shawshank Redemption.” You like pointing out how stupid the president is when you converse about politics. You write lots of bad poetry. You only like underground hip-hop music. You have definite opinions about cappuccinos. You like buttons on your bag and black-framed glasses. You explain other people’s philosophies (often Ayn Rand’s) to those around you. You like Radiohead, but for the right reasons. You think America sucks. NU was not your top choice. Everything you say sounds interesting and controversial. You like looking alone and unhappy, which makes you happy and popular. You read the right books and magazines. You’re in the know. You are cool.

But wait a second. What if you read all of this, and none of these things apply? You’re probably too judgmental. You like to reduce things to types and sweeping generalizations. You think you’re smarter than everyone else around you. You hate Ayn Rand. You’re fearful of telling people how you feel about them to their face. You’re afraid. NU was not your top choice. You’re filled with hate and self-loathing. In which case, are you a woman, and if so, what’s your number?

Paul Flaig is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].