This is my last column. As a senior, there is no Fall Quarter in my autumn, no Daily in my future.

Yet things have been left unsaid. And I feel that I owe it to you, the reader, to at least touch upon topics that I left unturned during the quarter. Like a professor desperately cramming in material before the final, I will attempt to cover the bases, and leave you satisfied with your Wednesday column experience.

Here are the columns I never wrote:

Green Giant makes an 11-ounce can of corn niblets that advertises in bold type “Compare!!! Same amount of corn as a 15.25 ounce can!” Bullshit.

I only took one math class at Northwestern, but I’m no country rube. See if it sells in the sticks, Jolly Green Giant, ’cause it ain’t playing here in the big city.

An Arkansas judicial panel just recommended that President Clinton be disbarred for lying about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky in his Paula Jones deposition.

The panel has been busy lately; some other recommendations issued by the great state of Arkansas during the month include, “The couch looks nice where it is” and, “Fries would go good with that.”

Here’s some food for thought. Would racism exist on this campus if The Rock wasn’t there to paint slurs on? Have we been vigilant enough in our push for diversity?

Think about that. Nah … kidding, my column’s not about “issues.” Think about breakfast. Mmmm … french toast. …

There’s more, but I’d like to take a moment to thank each and every person who offered suggestions for future columns.

Please bear with me, but I feel that I owe Trisha from Bobb something. Trisha, one day someone will write about normal notebooks vs. college ruled. I wish it could have been me.

Northwestern was not the college of endless parties that Hollywood movies imagine. It was better. It was real.

The best way to learn that the stove is hot is to touch the grill, and I burned many a finger at NU. I received an education in friendship … in love … in life. And that’s the NU I’d like to remember.

But I’m moving to Hollywood. So if anyone asks, college was a neverending parade of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll!

When one reaches the end of anything, be it college or a sandwich, there are bound to be regrets … should I have taken that class? Would she have gone out with me? Would Dijon have tasted better than French’s?

But I choose not to dwell on the regrets, and instead remember the triumphs. I will immortalize two of my most treasured college experiences in print and bid adieu:

I once handed in a blank sheet with only my name on it as a paper. I argued my way to an A. Well, maybe it was an A minus.

And the real touchstone of my college career, what I will always cherish and remember when I think back to NU, was the time I threw a copier out a window.

That was truly something special.