In an 11th-hour negotiation this Sunday, the cast of “Friends” renegotiated its contract with NBC and extended the life of the sitcom for two more sure-to-be-hilarious seasons. A sixfold increase in their salaries gives each of the Friends $750,000 an episode, and a 1 percent share in the show’s syndication profits. This guarantees that each actor will walk away with $20 million a year. Inspired by their tenacity, I think it’s time to review my columnist contract with The Daily. In the spirit of Evanston, am I getting my fair share?

Now, pundits and Daily editors would have you believe that I never had a contract with the Daily. That is “technically” true. But they won’t tell you what they wrote to me at the beginning of the quarter: “Congratulations, you guys have been chosen to be The Daily’s Spring Quarter Forum columnists.” Exactly! That’s what I thought, too. So where is the money? The perks? Some Daily fat-cat editor has pocketed what would be mine! Students Against Sweatshops, I implore you to help out one of your own, a student enslaved by the Daily sweatshop! Deadlines, obligations, words … when does it end?

In fact, my experience with The Daily has been marked by a never-ending series of disappointments and letdowns. I was told that columnists aren’t paid because they only work once a week, and that no courier riding on a Shetland pony would fetch my columns. But most disappointingly, The Daily didn’t even share extremely personal news with me. Only by reading the paper did I discover that I had not won the Pulitzer Prize. To top that, I soon discovered that The Daily hadn’t even nominated me! Apparently they don’t want a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist on its staff.

Some say it’s difficult for a humor columnist to win the Pulitzer. Dave Barry won with a piece about his mother’s suicide. I can do that. I’ve already begun my column about Dave Barry’s mom killing herself.

I may only contribute to The Daily once a week, but my columns’ effects can be seen far beyond the pages of the paper. This past Sunday, millions of mothers inspired by my work spontaneously gathered in Washington to sing my praises. Time Warner removed ABC from its cable network, hoping to fill the space with dramatic readings of my columns. In respect to my good friend Regis Philbin, I declined. And of course we can’t forget little Timmy, whose “tummy hurt” (stomach cancer) has miraculously gone away. But The Daily would sure like you to forget.

I’m just a normal guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. But when my pants are on I write damn good columns. And while The Daily might dispute that, I assure you that they had no right to storm into my home last night. I said it once and I’ll say it again, Deputy Editor Jonathan Katz, boxers count. What’s he deputy of anyway? Mayberry? I want a title too. Daily Columnist Major Captain Patterson. Rolls right off the tongue.

I’m prepared to walk unless my demands are met. I want unrestricted use of The Daily’s corporate jet. I demand invitations to the five-star Norris dinners I hear so much about. And I simply must be nominated for next year’s Pulitzer.