Last week, a sinister e-mail virus decimated computer systems across the world. Named the “ILOVEYOU” virus after the subject line of its message, it cost economies upwards of $10 million in lost business and caused massive delays in “hot girl-on-girl action” promised to lonely AOL bachelors across America. But the real question is, how was Northwestern affected? It’s clear that we didn’t escape the problems, and here are a few examples of how our own community was devastated the day the virus spread.
8:57 a.m.
The Internet auction site eBay is struck by the virus, temporarily shutting down all of its auctions and causing eBay to lose millions. And due to the shutdown, eBay is unable to notify University President Henry Bienen that his $412.50 bid for a full collection of near-mint 1994 Hummels has been bested by a mere 50 cents.
The set of angelic children in religious settings would have completed Bienen’s collection of Hummels from the 1990s and complemented his Franklin Mint “Stars From Hollywood’s Golden Age” collectible plates. Additionally, since both the Hummels and Franklin Mint plates are “virtually guaranteed” to appreciate in value due to their limited production runs and beautiful handiwork, Bienen’s estate is estimated to have lost nearly $37.08. And that’s money Bienen certainly would have earmarked for Campaign Northwestern.
11:29 a.m.
The love bug spreads through NU student activist e-mail listservs, halting a planned anti-AriZona Iced Tea/pro-Hispanic studies/I have mixed opinions but I’m leaning toward supporting casting a vote in the 2000 presidential election rally at The Rock.
Almost immediately, AriZona sales skyrocket, primarily because the boycott is unable to reach fans of Neil Young’s pre-Crosby, Stills and Nash backup band, Crazy Horse. Because the rally is canceled, fans of the backup band aren’t able to discover that the malt liquor of the same name was actually responsible for slaughtering millions of Native Americans, not entertaining and socially educating millions of late 1960s folky Americans.
To top that off, President Bienen, now fuming having found out about his lost Hummel bid, decides to completely eliminate the entire Hispanic studies department, telling this reporter that he “just didn’t see any student demand for the continuation of the program.”
2:45 p.m.
Speech sophomore Julie Miller receives an e-mail from the really cute guy in her physics class, Rick, containing the subject line “ILOVEYOU.” Julie, still emotionally shattered by her Fall Quarter breakup with her high school beau, is ecstatic to get the message. This makes the blow even more crushing when she learns that Rick’s way of saying “ILOVEYOU” is erasing her entire hard drive. Documents lost include Julie’s not-yet-finished or backed-up 10-page midterm paper, her large collection of Black Sabbath and Warrant mp3s and her John Ritter Tribute web page. Years of therapy will be necessary before Julie can even begin to come to terms with her losses.
