As a senior, I find myself in the unenviable position of hunting for a job. While scores of my friends have found employment in investment banking, dot-coms and startups, my contacts have fallen flat and my mailbox is stuffed with rejection letters. I present to you a sampling:
Dear Mr. Patterson:
Thank you for your interest in Anderson Consulting. Unfortunately we have no openings at this time. We have filed your résumé and will contact you if an appropriate position becomes available. While flattered, we request that all future letters of inquiry refrain from referring to Vice President of Marketing Sandy Kanton as “a fine piece of ass.”
Bob Rogart
Human resources director,Anderson Consulting, Chicago
Dear Mr. Patterson:
The Yankees organization is pleased to learn of your interest. While Mr. Steinbrenner agrees that the pressures of maintaining a championship team are, as you indicate, “harder than Bill Clinton at a Britney Spears concert,” and your offer to “beat John Rocker back to his momma’s Southern slop house” is appreciated, we retain full confidence in our lineup and do not at this time require a “shortstop with a batting average higher than Darryl Strawberry.” The Yankees do thank you for your continued support.
Howard Eckton
General manager, New York Yankees
Dear Mr. Patterson:
Contact with fans has always been an outstanding part of Ms. Etheridge’s career. She does not, however, have plans for any more children at this time and declines your offer to father her next child. Ms. Etheridge is proud of her son, daughter and friendship with David Crosby, and does not share in your belief that “any shortie from a book-learned hottie is bound to turn out better than the offspring of a Paleolithic mescaline-chomping rock monster.” Ms. Etheridge has included an autographed glossy for your collection and asks you to look for her upcoming release from Island Records.
Shannon Winslow
Assistant to Ms. Ethridge
Dear Mr. Patterson:
The Gonzalez family has been under intense pressure during the past several months and appreciates all the support it has received. It is their greatest wish that Elian will grow up free in a land of wealth and opportunity, not suppressed by Fidel Castro’s communist dictatorship. In the tragic event that Elian is forced to return to Cuba, the Gonzalez family does not require “an impish and loveable Elian replacement.” Although you may be “a dead-ringer for Elian in his 20s,” Lazaro Gonzalez and his family implore you not to “float into Miami on a Popsicle-stick raft held together by gum and dreams of freedom.” The family considers Elian irreplaceable and does not seek media attention generated by “a hipper, more commercial English-language Elian and his wacky misadventures traveling cross country with a magician and a talking parrot.” The Gonzalez family thanks you and urges you to write your congressman to help keep Elian free.
Manny Diaz
Attorney for Lazaro Gonzalez
