This week, I would like to write about something that bothers me, beyond relevant and problematic social issues such as Elian Gonzalez or the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent ruling against nude dancing — a ruling, by the way, that has more to do with expanding states’ rights than with limiting free speech, as suggested by the dissent more effectively than any of the plurality opinions that supported the majority.

I thought I should clarify for those of you who believe, or have been led to believe, otherwise. Read the decision. In fact, read many of the Supreme Court’s rulings from the last two decades and you will discover a growing trend of states’ rights prevailing over broader, and more vague, constitutional rights. But I digress.

Back to my gripe of the week: stupid people at Willie’s Food Court during lunch.

Unfortunately, this truly annoying phenomenon is symptomatic of the larger social problem of stupid people overall.

I generally have less than 30 minutes to eat lunch. This is my own fault for scheduling classes inconveniently, and for goofing off my first two years here so that I have to take classes this quarter. So when I stand in line for five minutes with the rest of the herd, starving to get my sandwich, I do not appreciate being held up by a stupid person who cannot decide what he or she wants to eat that day.

If you cannot decide what you want on your sandwich or burrito in the time that you wait to reach the front of the line, then you are stupid. This may seem harsh, but for those of us who want out of Willie’s as fast as possible, stupid people impede our progress. I assume this is this same group of rocket scientists who stand in the register line and dig out their wallets only after their bill has been totaled.

I would like to propose a solution.

If you stand in line for five minutes and still don’t know what you want, or worse haven’t even thought about it, when it comes your time to order, you should be sent back to the end of the line so you can think some more. I realize this is a bit severe, but my initial plan was to have you shot on site for being stupid.

While the original approach would have been a more effective way to thin the herd, our legal system does not allow for the elimination of people on the basis of stupidity alone. Instead, we allow them to run for Congress.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, the United States is a “free” country, and people are allowed to be as stupid as they please. Therefore, our only recourse is to send you to the end of the line so that you may further ponder your weighty choices. With the serving process thereby expedited, Willie’s can become a much happier place for the rest of us. That, and get rid of the 70-cent bananas.

OK, I realize that some of you will consider this tirade trivial. Next week I promise a truly thought-provoking, hard-hitting, socially-relevant, somewhat well-informed and thoroughly brilliant column that uses lots of big words. This will of course allow you to piss and moan about what a stupid person I am. That is your First Amendment right — for now.