The summer before I arrived in Evanston, I never considered this question. I had always thought friendship was the same everywhere. The qualities that made a friend were universal: thoughtful, loyal and always wanting the best for the other. Some people at Northwestern do view it that way, but I’ve met just as many people who have much different criteria.
At NU, I’ve found that friendship follows certain standards: Agreement upon a shared set of values, social stepping stones and true-blue friendships.
1. Agreement upon a shared set of values
Can you be friends with someone you disagree with? For many here, the answer is no. A difference in opinion on policy, religion or the candidate you choose to vote for can destroy your friendships or your reputation entirely among a small contingent of the undergraduate population.
Some friend groups or individuals on this campus first require you to agree on a set of moral l or political values before they will ever be your friend. No disputing claims or debating ideologies. With disagreement comes a friction in the air that causes discomfort for everyone involved. The room becomes quiet. Eyes dot around until they meet yours and quickly look away. You have two options: Agree or become a pariah.
In my time here, I’ve acquired a heuristic that puts this issue to bed: If someone won’t meet me where I’m at, won’t have a conversation with me about disagreements or simply can’t accept me for who I am, they aren’t worth my time or attention. This mindset will help you filter out insincerity and find other students who — though they might not agree with you — will at least view you on the same level as them.
2. Social stepping stones
Is a friend someone who can get you a bid to a top fraternity? Is it someone who will connect you with an important alum from McKinsey? Is it someone rich whom you know could pay for the most electric Spring Break trip?
Yes, in some cases, your friends will have these qualities because the truth is, at NU, you will be used. But perhaps that’s not as bad as it sounds. You’ve worked your whole life to attain the skills you have, so why not put them to use? If you are friends with someone who benefits your career just by knowing them, there’s nothing wrong with that. The issue is whether that’s the only reason why you’re their friend. That’s taking advantage of someone. That’s wrong. So before you build your network, analyze your prospective friend’s character to make sure they’re not solely interested in you because of what you can do for them. Networking is inevitable; reducing friendship to networking is the problem. Don’t let the grind culture blur the line between the two.
3. True-blue friendships
No matter how pessimistic the last two sections may have seemed, true friends at NU still exist. How do you think everyone makes it through these treacherous winters?
There will always be people who see past your beliefs or social positioning to who you really are. People who are loyal, kind and want the best for you. The key to finding these people is just to meet as many Wildcats as you can. Be proactive. Join clubs, Greek organizations, go to the library or sit next to someone new in the dining hall. Eventually, you will find a few of these gems. They aren’t as rare as you think.
So, I ask you: What does it mean to be a friend at NU?
The answer is up to you. This question is one that will be presented to you over and over, and one day you will have to answer it for yourself. I know my answer, and I would advise you to put a lot of thought into it. It just might decide the trajectory of your time here.
DJ Harrison is a Medill sophomore and author of “‘Cat Commentary.” He can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.
