The annual ritual of graduation includes the usually forgettable commencement address replete with aphorisms about following dreams, working hard and being nice to each other.

As one of the first people in my family to attend college, what I really needed was practical advice at the beginning of my time as a student.

I offer this matriculation address to the incoming class of 2028.
____________________

Hi all, and welcome!

During your orientation, you will be doing fun stuff along with getting introduced to the systems you will navigate, including housing, food, textbooks and online resources like Canvas and CAESAR.

This is all necessary.

But there’s a lot of s–t that you need to know that you won’t hear from the University.
I’m here to tell you that stuff.

First, what you need to know to succeed in school:
1. Read the f—ing syllabus.
2. Go to class. Take notes. Participate.
3. Set up a planning calendar for your quarter as soon as you get all the syllabi for all your classes. Put in the class times, due dates and travel time to and from class. Then, add in your other obligations, including work, sports and extracurriculars. Also, put in meal, exercise and regular sleep times. This way, you will see the blocks of time you have available to study, collaborate, research, write and create.
4. Go to the professors’ office hours. Talk to your professors. Ask relevant questions. Knowing who you are can lead to help, opportunities and recommendations if you follow up by doing good work.
5. Read the assigned readings. Make notes about what you agree with, what you don’t agree with, what you don’t clearly understand and why.
6. Never miss a deadline.
7. Don’t just spellcheck. Ewe knead two proofread.
8. Omit “I think,” “I feel” and “I believe” from your writing. Simply state your conclusions (based on your supporting references, of course).
9. Cite your references correctly, using the standard the professor requires (e.g., APA, MLA, etc.)
10. Only cite CREDIBLE references. (Information just being online doesn’t mean it’s true.)
11. Go to your library. Ask the librarians for assistance.
12. Collaborate with your classmates. Help each other and ask for help.
13. Find your people with whom you can continue to collaborate. These people will become the core of your network going forward. Keep in touch. Keep working together.
14. When you get an assignment, especially a writing assignment, start on it as soon as possible. Then, set it aside for a while. Then, revisit your work when you still have sufficient time to read it with a fresh mind. Then, revise it, change it, improve it. This process increases the likelihood of doing your best work.
15. Learn the process of your chosen discipline. Develop your own process. Master your process, so that when you are out of school, you can work the process every day.
16. Recognize an opportunity when it comes along. Be prepared so you can seize that opportunity.

What you need to know about health and safety:
17. Eat well, hydrate and exercise.
18. If you choose to drink, drink a glass of water with each alcoholic beverage.
19. After drinking, before going to bed, take a multivitamin with a large glass of water or with an electrolyte drink.
20. When drinking in a public place, cover your glass with your hand.
21. When walking alone, don’t be buried in your phone. Keep alert.
22. Of course, practice safe sex.

Finally, what you need to know about personal relationships:
23. Follow the five rules of courteous discourse to maintain your composure, your dignity and self-respect. Courtesy is not the same as just being nice.

a. Stick to the subject.
b. Don’t call names.
c. Use proper forms of address.
d. Don’t interrupt.
e. Don’t raise your voice.

24. Follow the four steps of an apology, in this order. Do NOT skip a step. Do NOT offer a “fauxpology.”

a. I did something wrong.
b. I’m very sorry.
c. I will never do it again.
d. How can I make amends?

“Fauxpologies”:

a. Skipping step one.
b. Saying, “I’m sorry if anyone was offended” without
admitting the conduct was wrong.
c. Apologizing privately, rather than in the same forum as the original comment.
d. Saying, “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry that you…” or “I’m sorry if I…”

25. Know what you think, what you feel and know the difference.
26. Have adventures, but avoid the 6 D’s:

a. Death
b. Disease
c. Dismemberment
d. Detention (jail/prison)
e. Dependents (wait until you are ready)
f. (unnecessary) Debt

And Finally:
27. Follow your dreams. Work hard. Be nice to each other.

Thank you and good luck.

Joseph B. Radding (Weinberg ‘75) is an NU alum. He can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.