Last week, my roommates and I received by mail a mysterious cardboard box containing 500 condoms of six different varieties. It was like Christmas. Turns out they were from a national grassroots movement called the Great American Condom Campaign, which promotes safe, healthy sexual activity among young people. We don’t really know how they got our address, but now that the condoms are here, we don’t much care.
Because when you get over how bizarre condoms look and feel, they can actually be pretty fun. There are about a zillion different kinds out there, so I thought I’d give you a quick breakdown, having tried/surveyed my roommates about a good deal of them (Warning: the box only came with Trojan varieties. If you’re looking for something a little less fancy, Durex works too). Truth is, they’re 98 percent effective for preventing unwanted pregnancy and are also one of the strongest and most affordable barriers to sexually transmitted diseases. Our middle school health teachers were not lying to us. If you don’t have some in your desk drawer right now (girls, that means you too), then you better get to CVS. These are my recommendations, from best to worst.
1. Trojan Stimulations Ecstasy Lubricated Condoms
Sounds scary, I know. But this condom is lubricated both inside and out and is ribbed on both the base and shaft, which actually feels great for the person being penetrated. The open, bulb-type compartment on the top is bigger on this condom, which gives the penis a lot of room to breathe (or stretch, or whatever it is they do). It’s pricey, but it’s a bang worth your buck.
2. Trojan Her Pleasure Sensations Lubricated Condoms
These are apparently “designed from a woman’s perspective” to help heighten her sensation. I don’t know what that means, but they did something right because it actually feels pretty good for her (or for him, I’d assume). The only downside is that the latex is thicker than that on the Ecstasy, so he may feel a decrease in sensitivity. Not a bad call if you want him to last.
3. Trojan Ultra Thin Lubricated Condoms
So from what I hear, this is actually super-duper thin. More than 25 percent thinner than standard condoms — so the packaging claims. It is thinner, and the man I spoke with said he felt everything — but added that it was pretty tight. It does have a slender shape with a small “reservoir tip” for extra safety, so if your man is on the larger side, he may feel a little constricted.
4. Trojan Fire and Ice Lubricated Condoms
Don’t do this. I don’t care how horny or curious you are. If you are trapped on an island with only this condom for your entire life, you’re better off going celibate. This thing is a monster. It says it’s deigned for “more passion and excitement.” Translation: it heats up while you’re doing the deed until your special parts feel like they’re on fire. Then it cools down rapidly, leaving you and your partner shivering and unsatisfied. This degree of special effects is a little over the top. Just chill out (figuratively, of course), and do some good old-fashioned lovemaking with a Trojan original — if those even exist anymore.
Please note: Almost all of these varieties are available in Trojan Magnum (extra-large condoms) and Trojan non-latex (for allergies). I haven’t tried either of these, but I’m sure they’re swell.
Moral of the story: Condoms are important. And they’re more accessible — meaning free — now than they ever will be for the rest of your life. So stock up, and get your kicks without the risk.
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