The Daily Northwestern

Digital Get Down: 34-year-old man

Laken Howard, Blogger

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This weekend, I almost went on a date with a 34-year-old man. For those of you who aren’t great at math (or who don’t know my age), that puts him at a whopping 14 years older than me. To put that in context, my mom is 48, meaning this guy’s age is the exact median of my mom’s age and my age. So hypothetically, it would be equally acceptable — or unacceptable, depending on how you look at it — for me or my mom to date this man.

The key word, though, is almost. I canceled at the last minute for a reason as creepy as you could imagine. He and I were Snapchatting (I didn’t know over-30s even knew what that was) when he referred to me as “quite the tasty morsel.” I don’t know about you, but being likened to a piece of food is generally a turn-off for me. Especially given the fact that he’s much older than me; you’d think he would be conscious of our age difference and try to be as un-creepy as possible in an effort not to scare me off. The implicit flattery of his comment aside, I thought it best not to go on a date with someone who might literally try to eat me.

I should have known from the beginning that he was mostly interested in sex. After all, his first message to me was, “It’s disconcerting how adorable you are.” Despite the fact that we were a 94 percent match, and his profile indicated that he was indeed looking for a relationship, the only thing he could think to message me was a compliment on my physical appearance. However, he had the trifecta of my weaknesses — bearded, witty and just the right amount of hipster — so I eventually gave him my number to see where things went. (This might be due in large part to the fact that I was stuck in a car for 10 hours, bored out of my mind and desperate for any form of entertainment when he initially messaged me.)

He did make an effort to get to know me over the next week or so, and I don’t think he had filed me under “young girls to sleep with” or anything like that. In general, I do like older guys; however, the likelihood of a real, working relationship with someone 14 years older than me is extremely low. That fact, coupled with the creepy comment about me being tasty, made me decide to cut my losses and just accept that he and I simply weren’t fated to have coffee together. I was deeply saddened the date wasn’t happening, if only because I was so curious to see how it would go (and obviously to blog about it later.) I simply couldn’t risk my own safety and well-being, though, and I had plenty of other dates this weekend to make up for it. Unfortunately, this also means I have lost the chance to break my current record for oldest man I’ve dated (27 years old, for those who weren’t aware.) Though with me and OkCupid, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

— Laken Howard

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