Hey Wildcats,
For those of you who’ve never read “Between the Sheets,” I should tell you this column is not for children under 17. But assuming you’re not one of those freakish grade-skipping super-freshmen, you’re in for a treat. I’m Tonya Starr, your friendly neighborhood sex columnist, and I like to talk about sex.
On some weeks I’ll run “Between the Sheets” as an advice column, so send all your probing sex/love/dating questions to me at [email protected]. But this week, I’m going to write about the most pertinent thing on my mind right now: “Breaking Bad.” Ever since the finale I’ve been itching for another episode that I know won’t come. While lying awake at night trying fill the void in my soul, I came up with this short list of “Bad” sex fantasies. Read on, and see who lights the fire under your boiling beaker.
Note: There ARE spoilers in this column
1. Heisenberg (but not Walter White): Did you think I’d say Jesse? Nice try. Heisenberg, the show’s criminal mastermind, is the one whose sex appeal is off the walls. The combination of chemical expertise, fearless aggression and full-bodied facial hair are enough to drive a person mad. But I’ll pass on the brown-bagging, sweater-clad Walter of old.
The place: Heisenberg’s fully furnished getaway apartment, on the red couch
The position: Missionary, him in control. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
The catch: He’ll get completely distracted and become unable to perform if he hears a fly in the room.
2. Tyrus: Remember that sexy security guard who Gus hired to keep an eye on Walt and Jesse during season four? What a stud. I’m betting this quiet, sultry watcher would be a tiger in bed, if you could get him out of that leather jacket.
The place: Fring’s methamphetamine lab, after hours
The position: Doggie. You bent over a stainless steel counter, Tyrus coming in strong from behind.
The catch: Hes not really the touchy feely type, so don’t expect post-coital cuddles.
3. Jane Margolis: All of my punk vixen daydreams came true when Jane entered the scene in low-cut tank tops and black leather boots. Her time was short and her presence left a sour taste in my mouth, but that didn’t make her any less sweet on the eyes.
The place: The pretty yellow apartment where she neighbored Jesse
The position: Her on top.
The catch: Her dad might walk in at any time.
4. Jesse Pinkman: Here we have it, America’s favorite drug-dealer-with-a-heart-of-gold and the only one on this list to survive the show. We’ve seen Jesse in a lot of phases: baggy pants and hoodies, button downs and crew cuts, scars and rags. I’m most attracted to him in season four, but honestly I’d probably bang him in any episode (except maybe when he’s passed out and covered in port-a-potty liquid).
The place: The RV, parked in the middle of the desert during sunset
The position: 77, or something similarly intimate. Jesse’s always had that endearing “damaged” thing going on.
The catch: Depending on the season, he’s likely to be high, drunk or tripping out, so don’t expect him to remember it.
