I would like to dedicate this column to everyone out there who has either gone through, or is currently going through, the unique exercise in mental conditioning that is modern standardized test preparation. Where are my doctors (medicine, philosophy and jurisprudence) at? I picked the last of these three as my poison almost two months ago and set out in pursuit of that foul, four-letter acronym thing, the acronym known to man as the LSAT, the next proving ground for me and many of my liberal arts kin. If I had written this in March, I’m not altogether sure I even would have known what to say. Nonetheless, perhaps I would still possess the clarity of mind to capably recognize my own thoughts. I write today less a man than a gourd, carved and lit up from an interior relentlessly hollowed out and replaced with short, often-flawed arguments. The truth is, I like the LSAT. Sick, I know. I am sick, and while I cannot pinpoint the specific moment at which this ailment, this lust for logic, overwhelmed me, I can and will proceed to describe my symptoms as best I can. If you identify with any of the succeeding streams of thought, or have a loved one who does, get help. There might still be time. Become an economics major, or better yet an engineer of some sort. Employers recruit those kids with nothing more than B.S. after their names. What follows is a demonstration of the base levels of sanity to which I’ve descended. As I complete more practice sections, the test’s ability to intimidate me has lessened. There is more time left at the end and fewer silent, mouthed expletives. Though despite my gaining confidence, I wonder what level of humanity I might have unknowingly sacrificed to attain it. Enough hyperbole. Witness my descent: “1. Despite the best efforts of journalists to be objective, it is inevitable that their own biases will enter their reporting…” Attacking the ethical foundation of my former profession right out of the gate?! The Law School Admissions Council sure knows how to twist the knife. [2 minutes elapsed] Check my watch. Still on track, even if that isn’t saying much yet. 26 questions to get done in 35 minutes. [8 minutes elapsed] “Shortly after the power plant opened and began discharging its wastewater into the river, there was a decrease in the overall number of bass caught by anglers downstream…” Things I would officially rather be doing: fishing in a radioactive river. But it’s not hard to spot confusion of correlation for causation, and I quickly scan the answer choices, pick out the correct one and move on. [20 minutes elapsed] “Miller’s questionable reasoning in which one of the following dialogues is most closely parallel to Miller’s questionable reasoning in the dialogue above?” Come on, Miller. Get your facts straight. Also, I have lost the ability to tell if these people are fictional. By which I mean, I’m unconsciously attributing random facial characteristics to them all. Don’t laugh. Miller has a mustache. [25 minutes elapsed] Slow down there, clock. Roommates making dinner behind me now, too. Seven more questions. [34 minutes elapsed] Stupid clock. Expletive. Second expletive. Bubble in D for questions 25 and 26. I would rather have had a minute more time because now that my pencil is down it actually looks like a really easy question. Right at the end of the test. At the very least, questions like that will keep me coming back – obsessively. Peter Larson is a Medill junior. He can be reached at [email protected]