If you’re a freshman living in a dorm, you’ve probably gotten close enough with the people in your hallway that you want to f*%k at least one of them. If you’re a sophomore living in the same dorm for a second year, you’ve probably already checked several of them off your list. And if you live in a dorm but you hate everyone in it, you’re probably sneaking people from other places into your dorm.

Whatever your situation, you’re probably doing something besides studying in that 12-by-15 foot cubby. In the movies, attractive people sneak into one another’s rooms and have these fantastic, orgasm-inducing encounters that make college dormitories seem like utopian sex castles. But where’s the embarrassed roommate in this scene? Where’s the rock hard twin-sized bed that creaks with every thrust?

Having sex in a dorm is about as easy as doing homework at a rock concert. There’s a lot standing your way, but with enough dedication, success is possible. Below are a few pointers on how to do the dirty on your home turf without pissing off all of your neighbors.

Roommates

Roommates own half of the room and they have just as much right to be in it as you do. To ask them to leave their space for a period of time so you can bang in it is not okay. Nobody wants to come home after a night of studying to see “Busy, come back in 10” on the whiteboard or walk in to find some half-naked dude there. Just because they happen to not be in the room for 30 minutes doesn’t mean you can snatch the opportunity for a quickie. That’s a surefire way to get walked in on. The best solution is to ask your roommate when they’ll be out for a long period of time: like at a 3-hour class or a Greek event. That way, you know exactly when you can start and when you have to be done. No one gets sexiled and no one gets caught in the nude. Win-win.

Noise

So you’ve got the room and you’re all ready to rumble. But don’t rumble too loudly because the walls are probably thinner than you think. Lofted beds tend to squeak more than non-lofted ones, so consider redoing your layout if this is a problem. Now, onto your own sounds. If you’re doing it right, you may have an urge to moan, scream, yelp, spew profanities or thank the high heavens. This can all be a lot of fun and can enhance your sexual act, but it can also be really irksome for passersby. If you really can’t hold yourself back, have your partner cup a hand over your mouth or bite down on a nearby pillow/shoulder/pair of panties. If your down-and-dirty is still noisy, try a night of silent sex. It will take a lot of self-control and gritted teeth, but you may find it enlightening. But if you like it loud and you don’t want angry hallmates, just set up a system. If you know the person who shares a wall with you, just give them a heads-up that it might be happening and ask them to knock on the wall if it’s making them uncomfortable. Awkward, yes. But still better than if they sat through it in silence and were secretly really mad at you later.

Masturbating

Masturbating typically follows the same rules as sex. Hide your toys and literature somewhere discreet-nobody wants to see it. For the ladies, the shower is the safest place to pleasure yourself as long as you’re not loud. Dudes, communicate with the roommate before self-gratifying and clean up after yourself. And while we’re on the shower subject – Don’t have sex in it. It’s extremely risky and unfair to people who just want to get clean. Someday you’ll have your own shower and you can get as wild as you like.

The line between respecting your neighbors and fulfilling your own needs is a thin one, but if you walk it with care it should all be OK. As always, keep the parties involved in the loop, even if the conversation is tense. It’s better to communicate than to unknowingly piss people off, especially if those people live with you.

Ride respectfully.