It’s becoming quite trying to continually check my JDate account and find no responses to the monumental number of messages I’ve sent out to lasses in need of courting. I suppose there’s no love for 105-year-old Hassidic men these days.

The words that will fill this dastardly column have been described by critics as incendiary, awe-inspiring and pickled. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to place your eyes squarely in target range of my words and listen to the blabbering of a madman who watches way too many movies.

Having lived in the Maldives for five years of my life and being ranked third in the nation in non-competitive fencing, I know my stuff when it comes to film and music. One is viewed by the eyes, the other is heard with the ears. It’s a complicated science, I’m aware.

Sometimes, I wonder if Willie the Wildcat is chugging scotch inside his suit to deal with the pain. Then I remember my golden years serving as the Evendale Ringed Mongoose mascot, and smile while looking distantly at nothing in particular. Those days are long behind me though. Now, after years of intravenous injection of oxygenated blood into my system, I am finally, happily able to bleed purple.

Stop wasting your years studying the mating patterns of arboreal wood nymphs. There is time in your week to be wasted right here, and I want every minute of it. I give you my bid, now pledge Resnick.

Gideon Resnick is a columnist for The Daily. His columns will appear every other Friday. He can be reached at [email protected].