To be frank, I had every intention of writing about the Spanish film “Biutiful” for this week. I was overtaken by the combination of my man-crush and actor-genius Javier Bardem, director-genius Iñárritu, Spanish accents and my friend asserting that “‘Biutiful’ made ‘Black Swan’ look like Barney” (which naturally made me curious, given my horrifying experience with the latter).

Then I actually saw “Biutiful.” Now, usually I use the phrase, “I am in an interesting place right now,” when referring to nights during which I have had one too many drinks and have entered that weird buzz “gray area.” However, today I realized that one can enter that “interesting place” phase via multiple avenues, and I would like to prove this via a multiple choice question that will test how well you clowns know me. (It is halfway through the quarter, after all.)

1. At this point in time, we know I am in an interesting place, not because of beer, but because I:

(Questions to ask yourself while answering: Is Steve a loner? Is Steve a crier? Does Steve periodically forget to eat? Has Steve seen his fair share of chick-flicks? Is Steve funny or mistaken?)

a) just solo-attended the 3:50 p.m. showing of “Biutiful” this afternoon, marking the first time I have gone to a theater alone

b) just solo-attended the 3:50 p.m. showing of “Biutiful” this afternoon and wept (hilariously, this is not more embarrassing than a friend of mine who solo-attended the 11 p.m. showing of Inglourious Basterds, was the only person in the entire theater, and because he was so high-strung, physically stood up and checked the theater entrance to make sure he wasn’t locked in)

c) might be running a fever and on the verge of hallucinating Barcelona for Evanston

d) have only eaten a PB&J, Lucky Charms, and a Panera Chicken Cobb Salad over the past 48 hours and again might be on the verge of hallucinating

e) have the movie “Valentine’s Day” on HBO instead of “A Beautiful Mind” in the background as I’m writing this

f) am accepting of the fact that Justin Bieber already has a movie coming out on Friday

g) a combination of a), b), c), d)

h) a combination of a), b), c), V-Day and k)

i) a combination of a), b), c), V-Day, Bieber and k)

j) all of the above

k) thought multiple choice would be funny, but it’s actually a top-10 worst decision

If you chose g) you are incorrect, and I refuse to explicitly tell you why you are wrong because I find it amusing to emulate Northwestern TA’s whenever possible. This obviously eliminates j), which means that either h) or i) is the correct answer. (Insert TA logical flow here.) So which one is it?

Now, I know I said I like to emulate TA’s whenever possible. However, I cannot refrain from proclaiming that no four year-old, no matter how talented, is deserving of his or her own feature film. Thus, I have eliminated f), which leaves h) as the correct answer. If you answered this question correctly, biutiful work, but you still get a B in the Life of Steve graduate course.

(Come on, I am so much more than chick flicks and nostalgic crying outbursts. Well, crying, anyway.)

But on a serious note – something which I have to include in order to keep writing – going alone to a movie once every couple weeks should be an institutional mandate. “Biutiful” may not have been the ideal loner flick, but it served a great purpose. If you think you might be in an interesting place, consider the types of elements that have led me to conclude that I am. Then, solo-attend “Biutiful.” If you conclude that you are capable of empathizing with even 10 percent of Bardem’s character’s struggles, then, my surely uncomfortable reader-filmgoers, you have undeniably entered your very own biutiful gray area.

Steve Hofmann is a Weinberg junior. He can be reached at [email protected].